Your Struggles is What Creates Your Depth

HOLD ME....

(December 27th,2023)
As I hold back tears
Begging for you
I torture my mind
And blame myself for the reason I don't have a family
Because destroying me is the easiest way to remain in touch with you
Days where that incredible dark hole that fills up my chest
Sends my breath out in waves
I can't hold back
My body likes to remind me that I hold my breath around you
Sometimes I wish I could labotimize every memory
The good and bad
The nothing to hold
Nothing that keeps me awake at night
Nothing that holds me back from wishing
That as my tears fall down my face
You were here to wipe them
I wish I didn't want you here all the time
How each time I clean a room I hear the voice that sprinkles reminders of not good enough
How deep the longing is to correct that voice even though
I sadly feel comfort in it
It's all I've ever known
And I wish heading forward
I could get past everything
It's not like I can pretend you're holding me back with your voice in my head
I wish it knew its place
Like the places I knew you wouldn't find me
My safe places were always places they'd never look growing up
Places where the tears could fall safely
Sometimes I hate that my home now houses the oceans of tears I've shed over you
I hope you know that even in your dying breaths I'll hold you and wipe your tears
Because loving and forgiving you is all I have left after all these years...