Your Struggles is What Creates Your Depth

1970+1959=...

(November 29th,2023)
Growing up I watched my mom cycle through who she was like a tilt a whirl
You always tried to pull it one way just to be thrown around a different way
Loving her felt like hating yourself
And I had and do and did
Because past tense and present and future are constantly tied into how I heal from her
But loving someone so much and knowing you can't be around them because they bring out the worst in you and you don't want to live like that anymore
Hurts worst than loving them
So you start blowing the whistle on them and it's a surprise
you apologize for everything even when it's not your fault now
Growing up listening to your grandma tell my brother to stop saying he was sorry all the time
Built from the pain she caused my mom
I wish my mom understood that despite how much she's wanted it she'll never get her to understand
Like as a kid being around all family no matter what made sense
Because everyone around you trapped your brain to think
Love us or else you have no one
How just unbelievably insufferable that is
How a foster kid my parents helped actually turned into the Godmother I don't talk about
How much I subconsciously remember loving her
Just to know she's not my Godmother at least not in the way I prefered
the reason I don't see her is because my parents and us remind her of her trauma
And what a beautiful way to heal even if my mom
Doesn't understand
If something you love still breaks you
Then how do you ever expect to heal that part of you
How can you better yourself without boundaries from the people and places that broke you
But also have the strength to say they don't owe you anymore
No apologies
Sometimes when I think of my parents
I try to focus on the good the most
Because that keeps me away
The good moments are my apologies and I hold every single one super dear to me
And smoke the giggle bush to make sure I start to remember all of them
My mom was never emotionally really there there's only a few moments I feel like I met a healed side of my mom
The walk to the end of my childhood street while I cried over a horse dying in a movie because I felt like it was me
How I love every breathe I forgot to take my mom jumped in to calm my cry
Didn't meet my mom again for awhile until she was beat on by a foster kid at the time
Violence pains me in any form
I don't understand accidentally hurting another or purposely doing it
But my mom has even after I had to sit and watch her get beat up as she begged me not to get up and help her
She hit back
And as ashamed as she was
With her gentle eyes in tears begging me to not share
I think people don't understand how even though I'm breaking generational curses I'm trauma bonded
Because sometimes these moments guilt me the most
Especially out in public when I get asked questions about my parents and I tell them the good stuff or if I feel comfortable enough
Speak on moments that weren't but
Defend them right away
I don't think my parents realized the part they've played in my head
I've never been my own person around them
Sometimes I think I've angered my mom
Because I'm doing what her and my dad couldn't ever fathom to try to do
Heal and not blame their actions on others or diagnosis or substances
Loving my parents and being more insignificant into my love for them and understanding who they truly are
Without the force of having to be around them
I understand them
The parts of them that is healed and I still hold that and grab those pieces and put them into my parenting
Because loving someone unconditionally means shining all parts of a person and yourself and not being shamed for it
Healing is the best way for the shame and guilt to mealt away and all the self blame and self hate starts to float away peace by peace but sometimes the part of you
That goes back to those single moments
Where you remember the worst part and remember your parents have never been released from their survival mode
So it's hard wishing for karma while knowing that they are unhealed
And if not now when
Because healing you
Means you heal a part of them
Trauma bonding from a distance is okay with me
Because understanding you helps me love the great parts of you deeper
But sometimes understanding you and seeing the bad parts makes me want to die just a little...
Because I look into my daughters eyes and see my own begging for my mom
My daughter will see kindness and forgiveness on her roughest days
Never question who she is because her mom told her and pinpricked her to be a certain way
And punished when she wasn't
My daughter can speak freely but be taught respectful fuck yous
I pray every single day never for a second do I in anyway look my daughter in the eye like my parents did and see my actions or words take her spark away