Tagalog Confessions

GRAD PICTURE IN HIS WALLET

GRAD PICTURE IN HIS WALLET

Hi! I've read some posts here and I wanted to share mine.

Last December 23, I met with my ex-boyfriend. Yes, you read it right. We're no longer together for almost 2 years but we do communicate from time to time. We met once or twice a month after work.

Back to the story. We've been together for almost 4 years but I broke up with him because of cheating. He cheated on me multiple times. I can't even remember how many times. How many girls. I just let it pass kasi palagi niyang sinasabi na they are just past time and that he'll always come back to me.

Tinanggap ko yun. Even now, it feels like I'm at fault kaya ayokong bitawan yung relasyon namin. When we broke up, he said he'll court me again. I let him cause I just can't let go of the years we shared together.

Sa 4 years na relasyon namin, gusto ko siya na. We have plans for our future. Sure na ako sa kanya at feeling ko hindi ko kayang mawala siya. Kaya hinayaan ko lang, as long as nandyan siya, kakayanin ko. Kahit unti-unti akong nagiging t0xic kaka-overthink.

Nasanay na ako sa cheâting issue niya. Tuloy pa rin siya sa panliligaw, but I was tr4umâtizêd. Ayaw ko siyang mawala pero half of me gustong bitawan na siya kasi hindi pa ako ready ulit. Natatakot ako. Ang daming tanong. What if nagbago na siya? What if maulit ulit? What if this time, we'll be okay? What if I'll regret if I gave him a chance? What if I'll regret not giving him a chance?

Sometimes, I would feel sorry for myself. I know I don't deserve that kind of love pero ang hirap bitawan. I cried most of the night. I pray and beg Him to please heal my heart so I can fully trust him again. Sometimes, I would just convince myself that I should let go and move on.

Pero nito lang December 23, I decided to give it a chance. I asked him out. I was happy. There was a gap between us but I know my heart was so happy that time. I think I was ready. Sasabihin ko sana sa kanya before we part ways.

Kaso lang... naisip kong i-check kung nasa wallet niya pa yung grad pic ko. I just wanna check. Kung wala na, okay lang. Kung nandoon pa, that means I made a right choice. Alam kong maling makialam ng gamit niya pero ewan ko ba, someone is telling me to take a peek.

Good to know that it was still there. Pero hindi lang picture ko ang nandoon. There was another grad picture of a girl. She's pretty. She looks nice. In a blink of an eye, my insêcuritiês got me again. What ifs were enumerated. However, instead of picking a fight, I just smiled. I took my picture. I wanted to ask but I just shrugged and gave him my sweetest smile because that's all I can give him.

Maybe it's time for me to stop wanting him. I am aware, I wasn't the best girlfriend but I know I've sacrificed a lot just to hold our relationship. I did my best. But I guess, it wasn't enough to make him faithful. So now, I'll pick myself up. I will pick up the confidence, pride, and self-worth I set aside just to make him stay. I hope I'll be better without him.

564
2019
*Confidential
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