Endgame

Part 4: Monster

Lunch with JJ and my parents was awkward to say the least. I mean, I cant exactly expect it to go all smooth. The last time me and JJ saw my parents, they shipped me off to a weird as behavior therapy camp, so things aren't exactly great between us. Still, I could tell JJ was trying to stay chill. I guess that's good though, right? It shows he cares?

I've been pushing down something for a while now, and it's really getting to me.

JJ and me have been best friends forever... but honestly as a couple I don't know how to feel. I cant shake off the friend feeling. It doesn't feel like we're dating. Nothing has changed, and neither of us are into PDA. Actually, he doesn't seem particularly fond of just the DA. I think it's a sign that maybe us being a couple shouldn't happen... just like he said months ago when he knew I had a crush on him.

God, I really don't want him to be right. He would never shut up about it.

I pull the blanket further up my body. It still feels weird to be back in my old bed like normal, even after all this time. Honestly, "normal" is really fucking weird. I close my eyes, but it does no good. My mind is still restless. I try to think of nothing. Of something blank... but it doesn't work. I cant stop hearing or seeing him, And him isn't JJ.

I cant stop seeing the tears on his face as he cried over what he did to Sarah. I cant stop seeing the realization that I had double crossed him. I can't stop hearing his promises that he wouldn't hurt me, or the scream as he fell into the ocean.

I had to do what I had to do, but that doesn't mean I liked it.

Wait, wasn't that exactly what he told me?
What if I'm just like him?
Well, at least I'm not a murderer. I can't be like him. He's a monster.

For a monster, he was pretty nice to me. And he made sure I was comfortable and that I trusted him...

God I'm actually insane. This is Rafe. The same Rafe that killed Peterkin, framed John B, stole the cross, melted the cross, then sold the cross. Same cross that was Pope's family heirloom.
I'm actually going crazy. Maybe I do belong in Kitty Hawk after all.

I hear my doorknob turn and I glance at the door.
I pretend to me asleep, looking through my lashes at the door. Of course, it's my mom and dad.

"She's asleep." Mom whispers, not so quietly. My dad nods I think, then they both leave, shutting the door quietly behind them. My eyes fly back open as soon as they're out. I know they want to talk. About Dorado, school, Kitty Hawk, and the myriad of shit I've had to deal with, but I really don't wanna talk to them. I've seen that it never leads to any actual change.

I don't want to seem ungrateful for what they've given me, but honestly, I don't think it's enough to make me stay. All I feel towards them is emptiness, and deep down under the emptiness, is simply disgust. They've cut me so deep, I don't think I can heal.

But somehow I end up thinking about my friends. JJ, who has no home or parents. John B, who's dad died, came back, then died for real. Sarah, who's family is psychotic, and who's dad tortured her and all of us endlessly.

Rafe, who's obviously in need of help, who was left behind by his family, and then me.

Everybody else's life is so fucked up, and here I am complaining about my parents in a bed with clean sheets and a roof over my head.

Still, I can't help but feel empty, and even though my parents are in the room next to mine, I can't help but feel so alone.

A/N
Longest chapter so farrrrrrr. Chapters 1-4 are mostly character development chapters, and things will pick up next chapter.