Dream // Van McCann

14. She Doesn't Understand

Flight prices to Portugal in March were more expensive than when we flew in the dead of winter. Our previous trip was more like a holiday so I wasn't sure about our trip this time around. How much time should we spend in Lagos? I had no plan and there was no telling how Clara would react to me visiting her. It's been silence on her end ever since. I'd call her but I was afraid it'd do more harm than good so I've left it for now.

Meanwhile, I was stressed about the apartment situation. My current lease wasn't up until the end of April. I thought having plenty of time to look for an apartment was a good thing, but now that we've actually found one, I was worried the units would be claimed since they're available now but my lease isn't up yet. We've already started the application and know it will take a while to complete. I was already gathering the documents necessary to apply. God, I forgot how much of a pain it is to move.

Florence could sense that I was stressed and tense. She reminded me we could pay a hold deposit if necessary but I didn't want to as that was a lot of money that we didn't have, especially when we could be using it for the trip. But I would also be upset if the units got claimed. I mean—we could continue living in our current place and look, but because our lease will be over, our rent per month will significantly increase. Plus I was becoming attached to the new place, damn it!

At first, the thought of living in a quieter place worried me but then I thought it'd do us some good. I didn't plan on living in the city forever. I'll eventually want to settle down and raise a family in a good, quiet neighborhood. And of course, that made me think about my future with Florence. We've known each other not even a year yet and we've only just started dating but I felt like I've known her a long time.

The only thing that seemed to work in my favor was that Bondy and Larry were okay with me leaving for Portugal again. They were curious what my plan was and when I told them I didn't have one, they actually helped me make one.

"Based on what you've told me, it doesn't seem like she leaves the house often. Even Matilde hasn't seen her and she's lived across from them for 8 years so that's saying something," Bondy went on. "I mean—she'd have to hide to avoid being found but it must be fucking miserable being stuck in that house. Can you imagine?"

I hadn't thought of it that way. Is this really the life she wants? Hiding until she dies? What if she gets ill? What happens then? There's no way Clara would never leave the house. She'd go insane.

"Matilde did say that she's not keeping an eye on their house all the time so it's possible Clara does go out. I mean—I don't pay attention to my neighbors trying to see when they leave and stuff, but unlike Matilde, I know what my neighbors look like." I was trying to give Clara the benefit of the doubt but the more I thought about Bondy's words, the more I wondered how on earth she did it. "Maybe she goes out at night when everyone's asleep."

She'd love it at night. Portugal is quite safe and she could venture out to the cliffs and sit there listening to the sound of the ocean. But does she get lonely? Does she miss going outside without worrying that people will find her? It seems like more work to stay hidden than to tell the truth.

"Has Clara gotten back to you yet?" Bondy asked. I sank back into my seat feeling uncomfortable.

"She actually called on Saturday but Florence picked up. I was away from my phone," I answered. "I don't...I don't think Clara expected a female to answer the phone and she hasn't called since."

"Oh," was all Bondy said, unsure of what to say.

I shouldn't feel guilty for having moved on as we ended things years ago and Clara had since went on to have a child with someone else. But I still did, not that I'm ashamed at having moved on, but at the possibility that I may never hear from her again. It's unreasonable for Clara to not contact me back because of it but a part of me wondered if she did it to not ensue drama in my relationship. Clara might've thought it was someone I was dating being curious who she was and why she'd call. Either way, I'm not sure Clara will reach out anymore.