Dream // Van McCann

19. More Complicated Than It Needs to Be

"How come you didn't apply for citizenship? Do you not see yourself living here?"

I thought she had fallen asleep but she was awake just like I was.

"How'd you know I was awake?" I asked her.

"You're being very quiet. Too quiet to be asleep," she answered. "It just never occurred to me that you've been here this long. I mean—I know you've been here a long time but it never crossed my mind whether or not you wanted to be a US citizen."

"Have you ever wanted something so badly that you wouldn't stop until you got it? And now that you've got it, you're questioning yourself? That's what it is. It's not that I don't like it here. In fact, I love it here and that's what scares me. They're always asking me when I'm coming home for good and I never know how to answer them.

"I've been avoiding applying because that means I want to be here permanently. But for what? My job? It didn't seem like a good enough reason.

"It's only me here. I've got no family here; everyone is back in the UK. But of course, this was all before I met you. It's just a lot to think about so I keep pushing it off. But having to renew my visa reminds of how I should just do it to save myself the trouble.

"Bondy has dual citizenship. He's been with his girlfriend for so long that I'm certain he's going to marry her. Bondy's relationship with his family has always been strained; he has his mum and brother but that's it. He hasn't got much beyond that and doesn't mind visiting them every once in a while. But me...I'm different."

I didn't want to go into the specifics of how I was different. My relationship with Florence was still new and though I was certain she was the one, we've only been dating over a month now which is too soon to know for sure. Anything can happen, even Florence knows that. After all, she was the one who was engaged, thinking she was going to get married, and then they called the engagement off.

I was nervous about where this conversation was going. It's not often that we talk about us and what we want out of this relationship. We were only focused on the small stuff like finding an apartment but never about whether or not we were on the same page about marriage, having kids, and so on.

"What place feels most like home to you?" she finally asked. I could see the whites of her eyes when she looked at me even though the room was dark.

I sighed. "Seattle feels more like home to me. When I go home—I mean my real home—I feel like a stranger and it's only gotten worse with time. It's hard to explain. Have you ever lived somewhere else or have you always been here?"

"I grew up here but I've always dreamt of living somewhere else. I'd love to leave but I can't let go of this place. It's all I've ever known." What she said reminded me of Clara and how she always followed her parents. Maybe it was just me who wanted to get away and start somewhere new. Everyone's different though.

.

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The days leading up to our flight were a blur and a bit of a mad dash. It wasn't until the night before that I began to panic and question everything. What if she's not there? What if she won't meet me? I was telling Florence that this was all a mistake and that we should cancel the trip and try to recoup the costs. She looked at me, concerned, and asked where this was coming from all of a sudden and then she understood. Her hand went to tuck my hair behind my ear so she could see my face clearly.

"It'll be fine. I'll be with you the entire way and based on what you've told me, there's a high possibility that she's still there. I'm not sure how we'll make her talk but we can figure something out. Matilde might have an idea too," she said softly and I instantly felt better.