Stitched Up Hearts (Alucard X Fem! reader)

I Hate You

God I hate this man. I hate his eyes, the way they shine when he laughs and how they look at me like they don't see what I do. I hate how his hair falls across his shoulders, dripping in waves of gold. I hate his voice, how it reads to me, and the way it says my name and always makes my heart stop for just a second. I hate his smile too, the way his fangs poke his bottom lip slightly when he does it. I hate his hands, those stupid slender fingers that brush against my skin, and how I never want them to leave. I hate how he reads, that he's so goddamn smart because of it and always has something new to show and share with me. I hate his sense of humor, and the way he always understands my jokes. I hate that he makes me feel this way, like I deserve any of this.

"What's wrong? Why do you look like that?" Adrian asked me, putting down the book he was reading.

"Like what?" I looked up from my own book. I'd had it sitting in my lap, but was too lost in thought to actually read it.

"You look upset. And you've been staring at that page in your book for the last fifteen minutes."

"I'm just thinking, I suppose." I hummed, looking at him. Why did he have to look so fucking perfect all the time? It was unfair. We had yet to actually say anything concerning the now palpable tension between the two of us. We both knew it was there, but did nothing to acknowledge it.

"That seems rather dangerous." he retorted, smiling. "What were you thinking about?" That was another thing I hated about him; how I always felt like I could talk to him about anything. There were never any barriers between us like there was with me and the rest of the world. He asked questions, and I would answer them. I was always afraid with Synthia, that I would say or do the wrong thing and I would scare her away, but it was never like that with Adrian.

"About how I hate you for kissing me." I told him bluntly, slamming the cover of my book closed. He was about to respond but I continued to talk before he could. "That I despise you for making me feel like this, for making me think this way. For making me want to kiss you all the time."

"I deeply apologize." He laughed, a soft sound that I always loved hearing. I liked that he laughed at my jokes, that I could elicit such a sound from him. "Is it such a bad thing?"

"As a matter of fact it is. I think you've infected me, or something." my arms folded across my chest.

"If it makes you feel any better, I think you've... infected me as well. You are always on my mind you know, like some sort of virus that's weeded its way into my brain. Rather inconvenient, trying to read a book when everything reminds me of you."

"Stop that." I demanded.

Adrian looked befuddled at my response, his head tilting slightly to show his confusion. "Excuse me?"

"Stop saying things like that, you're going to make it worse." I argued back. It made me feel sick just thinking about it. "You don't know what you're saying." it will go away sooner if he leaves it alone. It has to, doesn't it?

"You're confusing me." Adrian's brows were furrowed by then, and he got up to come closer to me, reaching out to lay his hands on mine. I yanked my hands back, nearly falling out of the chair in my attempt to retreat away from him.

"Stop it Adrian! Stop this, now please. I can't handle it." I begged him, biting my lip to keep my voice from breaking.

"Stop what?" his voice raised with frustration.

I don't know how to explain it to him, I have no words to verbalize the myriad of thoughts tumbling around inside my mind. Instead, I rip my sleeve, tearing it off my dress completely and exposing my arm to him. scars littered the arm, some crossing over others. The oldest ones were healed over, some white and puckered with age while the newest was still a pink scar. They would be there, forever. Not even my vampiric healing ability would allow the scars to fade anytime soon.

Adrian, for once, became speechless. His mouth opened as if he meant to speak but it closed again just as quickly. "What are those from?" he asked, softly. The tone of his voice made my stomach churn. I wanted to rewind time instantly, to pull my sleeve back down and hide away from him like I had been doing. Things were easier, when he only knew parts of me.

"You know damn well what they are from Adrian." I spat back at him. "I did this to myself. I did this to myself because I'm the kind of person who does things like that. The kind of girl who hates herself so much she cuts herself, is that what you want to hear? You shouldn't be around me can't you see that? I was being selfish, trying to get close to you. And now look at what I've done!" my throat had started to tighten up, causing my voice to waver. I didn't want to cry any more, I was so tired of it. Before, I could never cry over anything. I felt blank, as if there was a pitch black void filling the area of my heart emotions were supposed to be. Now I cried, and I wasn't sure which was worse.

"You are not selfish." Adrian insisted.

I yanked my sleeve back down, feeling worse the longer he stared at the marks. The room was too warm, the fire all of the sudden felt too hot. My clothes were sitting on my body oddly, I hated the feeling of the cloth rubbing against my skin. "Yes I am!"

"You are not selfish!" Adrian repeated, taking a step closer to me, his arms frozen in the air, unsure of whether or not to keep reaching for me.

"This was a mistake." I mumbled, turning to exit the room as fast as my legs would take me. I didn't know where I was running, only that I had to get away. This whole thing was a mistake, from the moment I followed Lisa out of the alley. Maybe if i had stayed there I'd be dead by now, I didn't care, I probably deserved it after everything I've done. I really must be a horrible person, aren't I? 

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Authors Note: hey everyone, sorry for the short chapter, I promise the next one should be longer and also be even more angsty, yay! thank you all for 1.1K reads, sending virtual hugs to all my readers, I love you guys. if you didn't read the authors note at the very beginning of this book, I would recommend doing so as it contains the trigger warnings for this story. hope you enjoyed and make sure to drink water (energy drinks and/or soda do not count)