"So when did you- you know- fall in love with her?" Thomas smirked, knowing he had him right where I wanted him, with his head in Fionaland.
"Woah," Newt defeated with his hands up, "What?"
"I may be slow to getting to know things around here, but...
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There was an irony to sitting on the roof's edge. Everything in my life had become a fickle thing. In all the time of my memory, I fought the urge to jump from heights like this. A long drop to a short stop. I wouldn't fail this time, it was higher than the maze. I was going to die anyway. I'd felt selfish in the past for jumping. But I couldn't say that anymore. Now, I would find it a mercy if I'm the one to end my life instead of one of them. I'd be saving my family from watching my decline. They would be safe from these outbursts and from the day where I inevitably lose control.
I think about that day a lot. The day I'm more virus than man. Will I have enough sense to do it myself or will someone make the decision for me? Who will make that decision? Tommy? He had taken up a position as a leader. Would Jorge do it? He had a reputation for protecting Brenda no matter what. I would definitely be a threat to her fragile health. No matter how big and tough Gally may pretend, I've known him since the day he came up in the crate. He won't be able to do it. If there's any god or higher power that isn't so cruel, they will not allow it to be Fiona. I can't even begin to imagine that possibility or her ability to follow through. Perhaps that's why I need Minho back so much, he's the one. He could do it. He would know what my death meant to the group and make it happen. To save them and to save whatever was left of my soul. He'd run the spear through my heart to protect the Gladers. He'd kill Gally to save Thomas. And he wouldn't leave any room for hesitation this time. He wouldn't lose Chuck all over again.
Then again, I could jump now and save everyone the trouble. I looked down, finding at least eleven stories below me. I could go as me. Or at least 90% of me. They'd remember me this way. It would make sense in time.
But my letters weren't done yet. They deserved letters.
"Sorry about that. Back there." I muttered without looking behind me. I knew it was Tommy, but all of them deserved an apology.
He sat next to me on the ledge. I wish he wouldn't. If this unkept ledge were to crack and fall, like the rest of the city, me going would only be speeding up my slow demise. If he were to fall, it would be an avoidable tragedy.
"Why didn't you tell me?" I could feel his gaze on me, but I refused to meet it. Focusing on the vines growing strongly up the buildings, reminding me of home.
"I knew you would tell Fi." The admittance didn't take any weight off my chest,
"No." Thomas's voice was airy. "Newt."
She deserves to know. She might be able to help. She'll be so angry for keeping this from her. It's unfair for her to love a man who was destined to die. All things I had told myself a thousand times.
"I know, I know, Tommy." I sighed, "I can't bring myself to tell her. But if you saw the look on her face when she found out I wasn't immune, if you saw how scared she was... I'm not going to let her spend the last few months torturing herself to find a cure that might not even exist. I want the real Blue, that I know and love, not the obsessive lab rat they made her."
"Newt, she's the greatest hope for finding the cure. She can-"
I stop him before he can go further, "She is. I know that. I fully believe that one day she will find the damn cure. If she knew how- if she knew how little time I have left. She would drain herself of every drop of blood to get the answers. She would kill herself in the process. That would be the only thing worse than dying of the Flare, is letting it kill her too."
It was never up to Fiona or WCKD to cure me. The gods decided my fate long ago. Before the idea of me was a full thought. Genetics mixed, and the miracle of life became a sentence for death in an ever-changing world.
"All I know is that WCKD must have put me in that maze for a reason. Maybe it was only so they could tell the difference between immunes like you and people like me."
"You know we can still fix this, Newt." His voice was hopeful. I truly wish it wasn't, it will only make my decline harder for him to watch.
The strong will survive, and the weak can only be thankful to be alive. Blue is strong. Tommy is strong. I'd always been the weak link, the one they had to save from myself. I knew it the day I jumped from the wall. "Don't worry about me. This is about Minho. Now he needs us. So if there is even the slightest chance that we can save him, we can get him out of there, then we have to take it. No matter what the cost. I won't have his death on my hands either."
His anger teetered now, "How is that fair?"
"No need to toil on the ruthlessness of bloody fairness in my final days either." I half smiled. I'd accepted it one way or another; he had to get on the same page.
I no longer wished to be saved. If my death relieved the burden of tormenting those I care about with my continuous dependency, I urge it to come sooner rather than later.
I smacked my brain multiple times, trying to beat the infection in my brain. I was losing all the progress I had made. I cannot let the depression swallow what's left of me.
—
I'm away from my computer at the moment, but I thought I would post this chapter so you guys don't have to wait any longer. I messed up and forgot about a trip I had to take. Sorry it's a short one, the next chapter is sweet so I thought that combining the two would be emotional whiplash. Sorry I'm a mess, love ya tho. SEE YOU IN THREE DAYS OR YELL AT ME. B
