save me

I KNOW DARK CLOUDS WILL GATHER 'ROUND ME

She should get out of bed. She knows that she should. Joel is probably up by now, cooking breakfast for them downstairs and she should get up. But she can't. It's as if her brain and body have been disconnected. She can't get her limbs to move. It requires too much energy that she doesn't have.

She's angry with herself. Why is she being like this? Everything was fine, she was fine. She was home, she was safe. And yet, she can't get out of fucking bed. It's pathetic. Why can't she get out of bed? She needs to pee but she can't get out of bed. She's starving but she can't get out of bed. Tears pooled up in her eyes out of frustration. She hated this, she hated feeling helpless.

A knock at the door drawled her out of her thoughts. "Ellie?" Joel's voice came from the other side of the door. "You awake? I made breakfast, pancakes. Your favorite."

She felt like crying. Joel made her favorite and she still couldn't get out of fucking bed. She let out a soft noise, her hands moving to her face as hot tears leaked down the side of her face, her shoulders shaking from the muffled sobs she hid into her hands as they pressed against her face.

"Ellie?" Joel asked, knocking on her door again before she heard it creak open. There was a moment of silence before she heard him sigh. "Oh, kiddo. Have another nightmare?" His tone was soft and gentle, and the floorboards creaking let her know that he was walking to the bed.

She let out a soft sob, unable to stop it. No, she didn't have another nightmare, she wanted to tell him. She was just crying and she didn't understand why. She didn't understand why she was feeling like this or why she couldn't get out of bed. The mattress dipped as Joel sat down next to her, she felt fingers combing through her hair, "It's okay, Kiddo. You're okay."

"I know," she squeezed out, feeling herself gain enough strength to turn towards Joel, her body curling around his.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" He asked, one of his hands moving to rub her back while the other kept running his fingers through Ellie's hair.

She shook her head. "It's not a nightmare," she told him, feeling more tears fall. She still wasn't used to being able to cry freely. Joel never once shamed her for crying, not like mom did. Mom used to get so angry at her for crying that Ellie stopped. At least until she moved in with Joel where she could cry.

"Okay," Joel said, sounding slightly. "Then what is it? What's bothering you?"

She squeezed her eyes shut, feeling her shoulders shake even more as she tried to contain her sobs. Damn Joel for being so considerate, for being so nice and gentle, for caring about her. "I can't get out of bed," she admitted to him, her voice weak.

"What do you mean?" Joel asked. "What's going on?"

More tears spilled down her face as she kept her eyes shut, not wanting to see what look Joel was wearing. "I don't know," she confessed. "I just can't get up. I can't get out of bed, I don't have the energy. It's been happening lately where I can't find the energy to do anything. I just don't have it. And I hate feeling like this, there's something wrong with me, Joel, and I can't fix it."

"Oh baby girl," Joel breathed, his heart breaking over how she's been feeling, how he seemed to have missed it. "I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. I wish you'd told me sooner but I'm glad you're telling me now. There is nothing wrong with you. I get this way too, it's not every day but it is some days and it will get easier. Just don't be so rough on yourself."

Ellie shook her head. "How can I not? I'm being useless," she sobbed.

"You stop that," Joel scolded. "You don't have to worry about being useful or not. You just do what you got to do. That means if you need to lay in bed all day then you do. Stop thinking that way, got it?"

Ellie looked up at him, more tears welling up in her eyes. "Got it," she sniffled before she let out a sob. "Thank you."

"Of course, kiddo," he said, leaning over to kiss her head. "You stay here, I'll bring breakfast up to you."

She smiled weakly. "Thanks."

And sure, she wasn't okay right now but she would be. She knew what Joel had said was true. She would recover and maybe therapy was a good idea.