Real or Not Real {Harry Potter}

Thirty Three

-Once More to See You-

-we do have reputations-

-we keep it secret, won't let them have it-

Harry can feel himself changing. This piece of him, the one that can see what Voldemort sees, feel what Voldemort feels, it's getting stronger.

Harry knows this change could lead him down a dark path, and he tried everything to change it. He thought that sleeping beside Bria could help. Since their talk on Christmas, Bria has slept with him every night until they had to go back to school. Harry thought it would've been enough. That her comfort was enough to comfort him.

He doesn't know if her calmness can soothe the fire that is in his heart.

Harry has grasped onto the reassurance that Ginny understands what he's going through. He thought that Bria could understand him, but she didn't know what it was like to be controlled. She doesn't know what it's like to see horrors done by proxy.

Ginny knows what it feels like for Voldemort to be inside him. She knows to feel what Harry feels because she has felt it herself.

Harry feels as though Ginny's kiss is one of comfort and comfort alone. It wasn't to take advantage of his vulnerability, or use it as a way to express her feelings towards him, but a way to show Harry that he's not as alone as he once believed to be.

He thinks that's why he didn't tell Bria of the kiss. Or Ron and Hermione for that matter. With Ginny, Harry doesn't have to worry about what the public thinks of him, or what his loved ones think either. He doesn't have to think about appeasing Bria, whose opinion is the most important of all.

Harry could be the worst version of himself to Ginny, and she would love him anyway. Harry is sure that one day Bria will see Harry as the monster he sees himself. He thinks that is the worst outcome of all. For one day Harry to lose Bria's affections.

With Ginny, Harry feels like the old version of himself, the one before the death of Cedric and before the threat of Voldemort's return. She reminds him of the boy he was when his biggest threat was a three-headed dog and spiders in the forest. Harry desperately wants to cling to that version.

He clings to the version before the Triwazard Tournament and before fake relationships and strategic dates. Bria is connected to the person he is now; a monster and a pawn. Ginny is the person he was before. Harry wishes now more than ever to be that person before.

Maybe if he could've stayed the person he was before, Cedric wouldn't be dead and Mr. Weasley wouldn't have been attacked.

How many more people will die for him?

Harry is plagued with these thoughts and even more so with the advice that Sirius and Remus have given him.

On the night before they were set to go back to school, Sirius and Lupin had asked to talk to him. He followed into Sirius' room, and his first thought was how he had never stepped foot in there before.

Another thought came to mind, and that was the question of where on Earth Lupin stayed all these nights. Lupin had been staying at Grimauld Place every night since Christmas break. Perhaps he would sleep on one of the sofas in the drawing room.

Harry sits between Sirius and Lupin, and has a passing thought of what it would be like if it were his parents beside him instead. He pushes those thoughts away. It was pointless to wonder of a life that would never be.

"What is it?" Harry asks them.

Sirius turns to him, sighing as he does so. "You need to be more convincing with your relationship with Bria."