hoax | kaz brekker

epilogue. for the better

"i know it's for the better. i never grew up with you, and you're not my waiting room"
waiting room by phoebe bridgers

one year later

it was a love forged from fire, and sent from the heavens. half their love was sent back.

the sun was setting when Kaz found himself at the harbour once again. he was there more often than he wasn't. he stood at the edge of the water, gazing out to the horizon. the sunlight warmed his face. and he stood there until the stars emerged in the sky. to anyone passing by it may have just looked like the bastard of the barrel was waiting for someone to arrive. and really, he was. his eyes searching in the horizon for something he knew wasn't coming. he felt homesick for a person.

Kaz turned eighteen just a week ago but, Malakai will always be sixteen. he didn't celebrate, of course, he never did anyway. he visited her grave instead, and planted wildflowers around her headstone with his bare hands. he wished he could dig deeper until the earth swallowed him too. relieved that he was another year closer to her. it felt wrong still being there. alive. it didn't seem fair. Malakai was a saint. she was supposed to be eternal. live for as long as the fates would allow. so he didn't just mourn who she was, he mourned what she could have been. a saint. a princess. a famous artist. a wife.
a mother.

people all around Shu Han, Novyi Zem, Ravka, and Kerch erected memorials, altars and shrines dedicated to Sankta Malakai. who gave the ultimate sacrifice for millions of people she didn't even know. even in death, Malakai was a protector. if only she received the same respect when she was still alive.

reluctantly turning away from the water, Kaz made his way back through the cobbled streets. people didn't even bat an eye as the bastard of the barrel passed by. he made this journey alone, everyday, without fail. like a well oiled machine. it was quiet uptown that night. usually, he kept his eyes down, staying focussed on the ground in front of him. but tonight, Kaz glanced from roof to roof. and sometimes, only sometimes, he would smell the  haze of light lavender in the air and he would catch a shadow moving around the rooftops in the corner of his eye. continuing his way through the Barrel, he entered the building where the Crow Club had once stood. the new foundations were sturdy. before stepping in, Kaz quickly glanced at the new sign hanging above the door depicting a bright blue butterfly. The Blue Saint.

Kaz had closed the club early that day, the bar was empty and dark. the tables already collecting dust. Nina had left for Fjerda to bury Matthias in his homeland. Inej had put together a crew and bought a boat, The Wraith. Jesper had moved in with Wylan at the Van Eck mansion. so he had to work the club alone now. Kaz hated being alone now more than ever, but he hated the silence even more, in his home and in his mind.

walking slowly up the dark stairs and through the dark hallway, Kaz stopped at the closed bedroom door. it was supposed to be hers. but if he had opened the door he would have been met by the empty shell of a home. and so he turned to his own room and slumped down in his chair. he looked to the dark cloak hung neatly on the side of his closet. Kaz insisted it be washed and pressed every week. then, to the half of the blue paper butterfly he kept on his desk. around the room, depictions of different flowers in dark charcoal covered the once empty walls.

Kaz Brekker had never slept so soundly in his life. he expected the feeling of Malakai's cold skin to haunt him like Jordie had. in fact, he wanted her to haunt his dreams. he wanted to wake up in a cold sweat with the ghostly feeling of her hand against his cheek. he wanted to see her every time he closed his eyes, but he was only met with darkness. she was everywhere in a different sense. he would look for the remnants of her everyday. in the creaks of the floorboards. in the sound of his pen scratching against the parchment. in the warmth underneath his blankets. in Jesper and Inej's laugh. in the sound of the rain that now pattered against his closed window.

she was no where to be found, somewhere between the shadows and the stars, way out of reach.
but even still,

Kaz slept with his door wide open.