Lilith (rewrite)

Chapter 26

Lilith

This horrible half-grief has made me feel complicit in darkness.

Even with Nathan supporting her weight, they still have to stop periodically when breathing becomes too painful. The walk to the river isn't overly long, Lilith could easily run it in ten minutes or so. But with the broken ribs and pounding headache it makes it difficult to keep her legs stable, let alone moving consistently. The headache isn't only due to the head injury she's atoned, it's also made considerably worse by the thoughts swirling round in her mind.

It's difficult to stay angry at Enzo when she can barely think or breath, and trying to keep up a strong pretence is becoming increasingly challenging. She's grateful for the excuse to be angry at Enzo though; it means she can tell herself that when she asks to stop for a minute it's partially due to wanting Enzo to suffer further. Every time he has to put down her father's body and pick it back up, a deeper level of disgust crosses his face.

It's all very overwhelming. Lilith's torn between saying thank you to Enzo, because she is grateful her father won't be around anymore; but she's also still so angry at him for taking that decision away from her. Because how is she supposed to know if this is a one-time thing? How could she know if he's going to continue to act like this and do things 'for her' which she doesn't want to be done at all? For now, Lilith's forced to settle with the knowledge that they will be having a very long conversation about boundaries later.

Everything seems to be happening 'later' at the moment. There's so much she still has to think through, so many decisions to make. She still doesn't feel like she can trust Enzo, but at least she has an acceptable excuse now he's done such a heinous act behind her back. She could easily act as if what he's done is truly awful and beyond salvageable for their connection; turn away and never look back. But that isn't what she wants. She doesn't want to become strangers again, she likes Enzo. And if the situation wasn't so complicated then she would like him even more for what he's done. But the situation is that complicated. And until they have a serious talk, then she won't be able to come to a decision.

"We're almost there now. It's at the top of this last hill." Lilith says, her breaths coming out laboured after the last hill they walked over. The walk had taken them over half an hour, but all things considered that's still a decent time.

"Do you want me to carry you? This hill is pretty steep and it'll be faster." Nathan says in a low voice, and Enzo carries on walking, unable to hear their quiet conversation.

"Are you sure?" Mild shock evident in her tone. Nathan had been a steady crutch for her the whole walk, but she hadn't expected him to actually carry her anywhere.

"Yeah, I promise not to drop you or anything." He jokes sarcastically.

Lilith lets a raspy chuckle escape her lips, which quickly turns into a sharp hiss when Nathan lifts her up. Her ribs ache at the movement, and even with Nathan barely brushing her sides it still causes a sharp pain to spike through her.

"Alright?" Nathan asks, concern evident in his tone.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks." Lilith replies, taking in a shallow breath between each word.

Nathan continues to walk after a short pause, searching Lilith's face cautiously to check she means it. After a few minutes the pain eases back into the previous dull ache she's become accustomed to. As soon as they reached the top of the hill, Nathan gently places Lilith back onto her feet. It hurts a lot less than being picked up, but still causes her to wince slightly at the movement.

"Right, here we are." Lilith announces, guiding them over to the river.

An odd feeling of nostalgia sweeps over her. It's been a long time since she's visited the river and would most likely be the last. It had been her only safe place as a child, somewhere that she could run away to when things became too difficult to face head first. It's ironic that many of those times were due to her father, and now she's dumping his body in the same place that she used to escape from him.

"Enzo, take his clothes off and leave them on the bank. We'll burn them later. Make sure the body is in the reeds, they'll stop it floating up and the creatures in the river will make a fast job of decomposing it." Her voice comes out flat, void of any emotion. She isn't sure if she's supposed to feel much emotion. In a way it's easier to believe that they aren't burying her father; to believe it's just a random body that died of an unknown natural cause.

"I have a lighter on me, but nothing else. Is that gonna be enough?" Enzo asks, not quite meeting Lilith's gaze. She's fine with that though; in fact, she prefers not having to come to terms with just how real the situation is.

"Yeah, that's fine. There's a cave nearby and loads of dry leaves so it'll be easy to start a fire and not burn the whole forest down." Lilith reassures.

Enzo nods numbly in acknowledgment and gets to work, quickly removing the body's clothes and dumping them in a small pile. Lilith looks away when Enzo starts to move the body towards the river, but she still hears the splash it makes and hears the reeds rustling. Nausea sweeps over her, and she has to swallow thickly to ignore it. She isn't even sure why she feels sick. Blood isn't an issue for her, she's seen her fair share of gruesome sights quite easily. She also isn't upset about the body being her fathers, but the nausea still persists. When she looks at Nathan, his face is pale, and he seems to embody Lilith's inner feelings visibly.

It takes Enzo several minutes to confirm the body is suitably submerged, by which point Lilith has managed to push down all emotions completely. It helps; it really does. Emotions always make things harder to deal with. This situation is no exception.

"The cave if just past that tree on the left." Lilith explains, point in the general direction. It's a short, flat distance so she doesn't bother asking Nathan to carry her again. Even if it was past a massive hill she probably still wouldn't ask after seeing Nathan's reaction to the body. He still looks rather pale and unsteady, but he doesn't make a complaint so they carry on the last stretch of their journey.

The last few moments pass in a blur for Lilith. The fire is soothing to watch, even though the smell of burning blood causes her nausea to come back with full force. She feels detached from her body, as if her mind has joined the swirl of flames and isn't planning to come back anytime soon. It brings her comfort, but not enough to ignore that something huge has changed in her life. But for now, she watches the flames and ignores the future.