Lilith (rewrite)

Chapter 28

Lilith

Lately, I'm not sure of anything. Lately, I don't know anything about anything I've ever believed in, not anymore, and I know the least about who I am.

The car ride home passes in a blur, and Nathan doesn't push her to talk which is a gift in itself. But Lilith can't help but feel like there's a permanent fog that has clouded her vision, but it's a feeling she's used to by now. It's comforting in a lot of ways, being able to watch as time passes her by. The knowledge that no matter what happens in her life, the world will keep moving, soothes her. Many people feel panicked by the idea of their own insignificance, but a lot of the time that very fact is the only thing that keeps Lilith breathing.

The steady hum of the engine calms her down, but once they reach Nathan's house, she still has to take a deep breath in to steady herself. She knows she most likely looks as empty as she feels, and she can't bring myself to care. Not really. But she still forces herself through the motions, for Nathan's sake.

Nathan helps her inside and into the guest room that has been transformed into her own personal hospital room. Although she was genuinely planning to stay with Enzo, everyone agreed that it made more sense to stay at Nathan's whilst she was healing.

"I'm wiped out, I'm probably just gonna take a nap. Can I get some pain meds first though?" Lilith asks once she's sat on the bed.

"Yeah, sure. I'll go get my mum." Nathan replies before searching for Eve.

It's not long until Lilith is settled under the covers, much more comfortable after taking some more meds, that she realises she can't sleep at all. She wasn't lying when she said she was exhausted, but her thoughts won't let her mind rest and after over an hour of tossing and turning she decides to get up. The meds are still in her system, but they've lessened slightly, and she winces as she stands.

Her feet drag her towards the living room, and Lilith expects it to be empty because it's so quiet, however, when she steps inside and sees Nathan napping on the settee, she can't help but break a little inside. He looks so peaceful, and she hates herself for being so incredibly jealous. Lilith's sure that his life isn't perfect, that he has his own demons to deal with, but when he's comfortable enough to easily take a nap in the living room it makes anger bubble to the surface. Not at him, but at the world. What did she do to deserve this amount of trauma? She must have done something majorly wrong at some step of her life because people don't just randomly get allocated a life like hers when they've done nothing wrong. It's not fair.

She closes her eyes and breathes, and breathes, and breathes. Each inhale steadies her slightly, until finally she makes her way over to the armchair next to Nathan. For a while she simply sits there, staring at the wall, listening to the constant rhythm of Nathan's breathing. Eventually she hears him stir, and when he looks at Lilith, she knows he sees every ounce of sadness that is weighing on her conscience.

Silently, he sits up and pats the space beside him. Lilith considers not moving, because moving seems like a lot of effort right now and she's not ready to talk. But she decides to comply, waiting for Nathan to question her. Instead, he stays silent, letting Lilith sit beside him for a moment before he pulls her closer and wraps his arms around her.

The only person she's felt comfortable hugging is Enzo, but Nathan has made it clear he isn't going to make a move on her, and it reassures her enough to let him hold her. She knows that she can simply stay leaning against him, sharing their grief together wordlessly. It sends tingles all over her body, and she shivers and not from the cold but from the gentle contentment that settles deep inside her. Nathan still pulls the blanket up around them, cocooning her in warmth.