TW: Cursing, mention of SH
Bad friend for being naive. Not knowing what to do in situations. Not knowing whats normal and whats not. Not knowing what to say. Being selfish. Just a shitty person in general. I don't like it when I talk about my problems to my friend because then I might burden them, seem self centered or something, they feel like they have to fix it immediately, thats what they will think of me whenever they see me (though I don't mind being seen as the self harm friend), or now they are concerned for me and may go into a spiral because of it.
My problems aren't that bad compared to what others have been through. So I just need to shut up but then Chara won't leave me alone. It's grown worse. My thoughts and how often I self harm.
Normally a bit after school is when I'm most vulnerable to get into a negative state either panicking, ruminating (spiraling), or anger.
I need to shut up. I'm not special for my problems. Everyone goes through them so why must I talk about them. I mean I'm not even suicidal so why should I complain.
I wish I could just say my self hatred out loud but then one of my friends may try to counter it (which is kinda fine), I'll seem like an attention seeker, or I'll get in trouble for cursing at school. Man I'm so fucking stupid for writing this in the first place. How do people put up with me.
I can't communicate shit to anyone. I'll be hungry, but I wont say that unless asked (and even then I may lie). I'm cold, then I'll freeze. Scared, too bad. About to cry, suck it up and hide it. I need to go to the bathroom, oh well. I'm tired, just get untired. I'm bored, we're not changing what we're doing until they want to. I want to stay doing that thing, its whatever they want. I don't wanna be here, too bad, your not leaving until its over. I don't wanna call, doesn't matter. I feel uncomfortable, get over it. Hope you can read body language.
I'm also just cringe. Reciting memes, acting like a character, trying to be funny.
I suck at singing. Sorry you have to hear me, especially when its a high note.
You give me affection, I either freeze to act like I didn't receive it at all.
Am I giving too much information? Sorry, I just have to have a good explanation for why I'm muted or for why I had to hang up. I just feel like I need to share it. Too soon? Sorry...
Why do I care so much about what others are thinking. Of me, of a friend, of my facial expression, of my breathing, my walking, speech, actions.
Man I fucking suck.
I worry about my friends too much. What they think, how they may have responded, how they are (when texting or something), why they are taking so long to message back even though they are allowed a bit of delay mid conversation. Their issues, how I impact them, how I look to them, how I sound.
I'm sorry
If you for some reason read this or read this far... Hope your having a great day, afternoon, evening, or night. If not, try to find a positive thing that you are grateful for. For example, I'm grateful for my friends using my name and not my deadname.
