Nothing But The Truth

25: Who Are You Really?

I had so much to think about on my way back to the hotel. Jacqueline had made reference to my earlier works which I had considered embarrassing enough to bury six feet under. I hadn't even looked at them in years but they must have been somewhat good if Jacqueline had talked about them. I had much more experience now than I did back then. I had strived for years to be better but had I lost my identity in the process? What was my identity anyway?

I fell back onto the bed the moment I got into my hotel room and just stared at the ceiling, trying to answer a question I had never really asked myself.

Who was I as an artist? Who was I as a person?

I was just a girl so passionate about art and I wanted to make magic with my fingers but was that all there was to me. Why was art so important to me? Why couldn't I have a regular job like most of my peers? I hadn't asked myself these questions in years. I knew what I wanted but I hadn't thought about why in a long time.

"Who are you, Tiaraoluwa Digiola? Who are you really?"

I had taken an interest in art because I thought it was beautiful. I found it comforting that I could pour out my emotions onto a blank page and create something that could make people happy or sad. I loved that I could just let my hands dance along a canvas, taking whatever path and wherever we arrived was a masterpiece in my eyes. Painting was what I loved to do best. It was therapy for me whenever I was sad or overwhelmed or even happy. It felt just like writing in a diary.

My very first painting was one of a sunflower I had painted in primary school. I was about seven and my teacher had brought a sunflower to class. She had set it right by the window and the sunlight had streamed down onto it, making it seem like the flower glowed in the light. I had thought it was very beautiful and had focused on painting it in my fine art class. It had been the doodles of a seven year old but it had awoken the artist in me.

After that, I had gone around sketching and painting whatever I thought was pretty. It had been a hobby as I grew up. It was only as I had graduated from secondary school that I had looked at the possibility of becoming an artist. I could remember clearly when Naborhi had asked the girls and I what our plans for the future were since we had finally graduated secondary school. The girls had talked passionately about their future careers and what they had hoped to accomplish but there was nothing I could see myself doing except painting. It was at that very moment that I had realized what I had wanted to spend the rest of my life doing.

Jacqueline had a point. I had spent so much time trying to become a better artist and get people to appreciate my work that I had forgotten why I had wanted to become an artist in the first place. I had wanted to capture the beautiful things I could see and save them forever on my canvas. I wanted to capture the things that brought me joy and keep them with me forever like a photograph. That was why I had wanted to be an artist in the first place. Jacqueline must have seen that love and passion in my earlier works.

I was pulled from my thoughts by the ringing of my phone on the bed beside me. I picked it up and checked the caller ID. It was Haneul.

"Are you bored?" She asked the moment I picked up.

"Not really."

"Sounds like you are. Let's go somewhere and do something, please." She pleaded. "My brain won't shut up, actually. I can't wrap my head around what happened in class today and if I stay one more minute in my room, I might just go crazy from the excitement and the fear and anxiety, so, please my dear Tiara, help me."

"Actually, I need to get my mind off things as well. We should go do something fun." I agreed. I did need to take my mind off things for a while.

"Great! I've got a list of fun things to do. Get ready and I'll see you in thirty minutes." She hung up after.