Come Back to Me II SCK

Chapter 27

The next morning Eda found Serkan standing with his coffee on the balcony of their apartment. She came close to him and snuggled to his back. She could feel the air of melancholy coming from him.

"How do you feel?" Eda asked softly.

"I'm not really sure. Fine, I guess." Serkan shrugged his shoulders and turned to Eda, who was looking at him intently. 

"Really, I'm fine. All I want is to forget about everything that happened during the last couple of weeks, focus on our wedding and finish projects to could leave for the summer. When we move out, I want to leave everything here and start in our new home without the past."

"I can see something is bothering you."

Serkan sighed, looking afar. "This isn't running away from issues? Right? I'm not running away, just closing the chapter?" 

Serkan looked at Eda with desperate eyes, looking for reassurance in her gaze. She took the coffee cup from his hand, put it away, and cupped his cheeks.

"Of course, we are moving on. We won't let the past dictate our future."

Serkan put his head down, resting his forehead on Eda's. He closed his eyes and said quietly. "I was running away for so long that I'm not sure anymore if I'm not becoming a coward again by wanting to forget."

"Serkan, you have to forget because if you keep thinking about that, you will go crazy. It's past, it's done. It doesn't mean it didn't happen, but it ended. You are not a coward."

"I was one. Now I see I was a coward for my whole life, running away, closing off. Most of what happened could be prevented if I reacted right away. If I blocked puff pieces, sued them, and made a statement, it would end there. Do you know when I filed the first lawsuit against the tabloids?"

Eda shook her head.

"Only after I meet you. It was years too late. They were used to me being weak, so when I suddenly started suing them, they didn't take me seriously. I could prevent it all, but I chose not to do anything."

"Serkan, how could you know?"

"I should know." He whispered, still keeping his eyes closed.

"No." Eda said firmly, running thumbs on his cheeks. "No one could know. Now it's easy to judge when we know the outcome, but when you live through it you never know. None of this is your fault. Other people violate your right to privacy. You never asked for this, you never encouraged this. Forget about this, Serkan. Don't look for your fault where it isn't."

"I'm not running away?" He looked at her pleadingly.

"No. We are moving on, together. It's only natural."

Eda could see the amount of despair in Serkan's eyes lessened but did not disappear entirely. She knew he still felt guilty, and after yesterday's brief improvement, he was down again. She could predict it would happen as he was not only physically tired but also mentally exhausted. Eda was ready to help him go through this hard time in their lives.

"Serkan, tell me everything that is bothering you. I know there is more. Let it out so we can deal with it."

Serkan was looking at her in silence, searching for words. Eda took his hands and squeezed them to give him strength. He took a deep breath before starting to speak again.

"You asked the other day how can I be confident and unsure of myself at the same time. And it got me thinking. I'm not really confident and strong. I let others dictate my life for years. And all this talk about no one could make me do things I don't want to do is untrue. I'm easy to manipulate and I want to reach people's expectations even in my work. I am confident in my skill, I earned it by myself, and I have a talent. It can be measured by the reception of my projects and the awards, but for many years I was taking so much work only to prove to the whole world I am worth something, and it never was enough."