Sleepless✎

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THERE WAS A NOOSE AROUND ILARIAS NECK, ONE WOVEN OUT OF HER PAIN, HER FEAR, HER TRUAMA. THE THINGS SHE WANTED TO LET GO OF BUT COULD NOT.

Her brother sat opposite her, droning on about something or another. She wasn't listening, he was unaware of the storm going on in her head.

"Ilaria?" her name snapped her out of her daze.

"hmm?" she startled "what?"

"I asked how are things with you" he said, concern lacing his voice. Ilaria folded her arms around her stomach, clutching on to the sweater she wore.

Ilaria felt like she wasn't in her own body, that's how she felt alot. She nodded absently "fine."

"are you sure? Because -"

"I said I'm fine" she snapped "God, you and mom act like I'm going to break any minute."

Tate shook his head "no, Ilaria. We just care. You haven't been okay long before Kenna."

He was referring to her father but none of them had been the same after. None of them. She said nothing, a thing she did often.

Alot of the time, she felt like her family was prying her lips open, forcing her to talk about things she didn't yet understand. Things that were a mystery, even to her.

"you've been coming home late." he said to her "when moms on late shifts you get home just before she does. In the morning."

"so now you're playing big overprotective brother?" she asked "I'm not doing anything."

Other than tracking down a serial killer and possibly putting my life on the line. She told herself.

"your romance is hardly my concern" Tate said mockingly "just don't come home pregnant"

Ilaria feigned a gasp "oh no, I would never ever ever do such a thing"

Tate grinned "see, that makes me even more concerned." he leaned back in his seat "I guess someone has to cause some drama in this family."

Ilaria nodded enthusiastically, a grin on her face "you're too boring for that" she pointed to herself "that's why there's me"

Tate didn't agree but he didn't object either. Silence fell and they sat comfortably, letting it wrap around them.

Swallowing, Ilaria decided she owed her brother an explanation on how she'd been. He was always there for her, him and her mother and she didn't need to worry them more by being silent. It hurt to talk, it always did but she had to do it.

She toyed with her hands and cleared her throat "you know, after dad -" her voice shook but she went on "when we last spoke he said 'you look after your brother and your mother' that's what he said" she shook her head "why he thought I would be capable of that, I don't know. I failed miserably too" she scoffed "you and mom ended up having to look after me and I promised him. I told him I would."

Tate didn't say anything. He let her talk, listening. She knew this wasn't all she had to say but she decided that something was better than nothing.

"and now, when I dream I don't just see dad anymore. I see Kenna too. I let them both down." she shrugged "I guess that could tell you how I'm doing."

Tate sucked in a breath "you shouldn't blame yourself, we're family okay? We look after each other. You can't do it all on your own. Besides, we wouldn't have let you even if you tried"

The sun was setting outside, casting the room they sat in, in gold. It glinted off the surfaces and sharpened their profiles, their shadows stretched alongside each other.