Sleepless✎

𝟐𝟗

Hiii
I recommend listening to Wings by birdy /All I Wanted Was you by Paramore

♠︎

THE BLOOD WAS EVERYWHERE. Ilaria wasn't even sure if time was moving or not. She didn't even really know where or what she was doing anymore. Her mind was blank.

With shaking hands she moved Kai's head to her lap not without struggle. She didn't want to hurt him but she needed him close.

"Kai" Ilaria choked out, she was dimly aware of the tears running down her face. She touched his cheeks, not caring that her hands were bloody "Fight,you just have to Fight."

Kai's smiled a small smile, like it was the most difficult thing to do "I -"

"No" Ilaria shook her head "You're going to make it and you'll say it when you're okay. You'll say it to me 1000 times over if you need to. Just not now"

He touched her hand by his cheek "Ilaria, you have to let go now."

"You promised me you'd always be here." Ilaria shook her head "You're not leaving me, not like this."

He'll be okay.
He'll be okay.
He'll be okay.

She repeated it over in her head like a prayer. This wasn't how it was going to end.

There was nothing she could think of but how cold he was. He was so cold.

"I'm not leaving, Agent" He told her softly and his fingers found the bracelet around her wrist "Every life time. Remember?"

"I need you in this one."

"I think you'll be just fine." He whispered back "Just don't miss me too much"

Ilaria didn't reply. She knew. In her mind she knew he was giving up, she knew he couldn't fight any longer.

So why was it taking so long for her heart to catch up?

She didn't speak. Her throat felt like it was stuffed with barbed wire. Her heart felt... Dead. Surely she was dying, then. Maybe that would be better.

"Ilaria?" Kai's voice broke "I love you. It'll reach you -" He broke off "it'll reach you from my grave. I promise."

Ilaria leaned down and kissed him, she tried ignoring how cold his lips were. Or how this kiss wasn't like the others.

How this time, it was a goodbye kiss.

But she felt it, she felt it in every bone in her body. She knew it when her tears mixed with his. That it was the last time she'd ever get to kiss those lips. Or hear his laugh. Or read with him. Or hold him. Or spend nights talking until sunrise. She would never hear him call her Agent again. She would never see his smile again.

So many things, that seem so insignificant - so small, suddenly become so big when you realize you'll never have it again.

It would never happen again. None of that would ever happen again.

And she felt it all slip away, excruciatingly slowly. The same way the pain crept up just as slow.

When she pulled away she opened her mouth "I -"

And everything fell away. She couldn't feel his heartbeat anymore.

"no wait" She spoke between sobs "I love you too." her head rested against his, it was exhausting keeping herself up.

Time passed or maybe it didn't. Ilaria wasn't sure. When the flashing lights of police tortures and footsteps started approaching, she didn't turn around. Or move.

Infact, she hadn't moved the entire time she'd been sitting there. With Kai in her arms, Kai who was no longer breathing.

She was dimly aware of the shouts for medics, of someone touching her shoulder - someone trying to pull her away.

She refused, she held on to Kai tightly - like it would somehow bring him back.

Too much. She'd lost too much.

They left her until eventually she heard her mothers voice. The only voice that broke her out of her daze.

"Let him go" Her mother whispered, pulling Ilaria back - this time she didn't fight. She fell in her mother's arms, her whole body shook but her tears seemed to have run out.

"He didn't hear me say I love him."

"He knew."

♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎

They dragged her to the station. Made her give a statement. She still had Kai's blood on her clothes.

She didn't ask for a change of clothes.

And the entire time, the bracelet she wore felt heavy against her skin. Heavy and hot - like it was burning through her skin.

When they brought Tate in and she watched him walk past so nonchalant - like nothing even happened. Like her entire world hadn't just shattered all over again.

She wanted to get up and scream and fight but she couldn't move. She was paralyzed.

And when she finally got home. Ilaria didn't shower.

She crawled into bed, with his blood all over her and shut her eyes.

Maybe she'd find him again in her dreams.

♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎♠︎