Memories That Still Haunt Us

Chapter Thirty-Three:

The studio apartment I once shared with Lake looks so much smaller and rundown than before. Especially after living where I have for the past few months. It's embarrassing that I ever lived here in the first place.

The front yard outside is unkept. It's across the street from the Immaculate Conception Church, which sounds like an insult to women like me who have been having sex since the age of fourteen. More specifically with married men of authority. Every time I would leave the apartment and spot someone from the church, they'd eye me as if they knew all my sins. As if they were compelling me into their church so they could drown me in their holy water and try to replenish my soul. Or maybe burn me at the stake at the nearby witch house because it's too late to save me. I'm already damned. The church might burst into flames as soon as I step foot inside.

Sometimes I would purposely wear revealing clothes or sway my hips more as I walked or made out with Lake in front of it, giving it a big fuck you. I don't want to be saved, nor do I believe that my sins can ever be washed clean. I've done what I've done. I've lied and cheated and fucked around and stole and a million other things. I don't believe I will ever change, and I don't want to make excuses for the things I've done.

The concrete steps going into the apartment have a black mold stain, and the inside still smells like mildew. The stairs creak as I climb them, bringing me to our old door. My hands clench into tight fists as I feel the anger moving through me. I try to hold onto it as I raise my fist and pound on the rickety wooden door that has a crack down the middle. One day, it's going to snap.

I pound again and again until finally the door is thrown open and Lake stands before me in a baggy grey t-shirt and jeans. Lake was noticeably attractive in high school. For our small school and town, everyone thought so. He was charming to adults, flirty with girls, and when he found his love for art, it made him ten times more attractive to everyone. The town thought he would graduate high school and become a famous artist. His work has been put up throughout town. At the markets, he'd set up camp and put his art on display for sale. Though he hasn't become the famous Picasso everyone thought he'd be so far, his looks still hold up. I'm sure everyone still finds him ridiculously attractive.

When Lake sees it's me, his initial irritated look at whomever is pounding on his door wipes off, as he looks at me with confusion and slight hope. Thinking I'm returning home to his arms, to live in this claustrophobic studio. "Reign, hey." He says cautiously, as if any slip-up might send me running back down the stairs.

I shove past him into the apartment and fold my arms across my chest tightly. He turns and shuts the door behind him, eyes on me, confused. "What the fuck is your problem?" I snarl at him, fire spewing from my mouth. I should hurt him. I should set his car on fire for destroying mine.

His eyes widen, a scoff escapes his mouth. "Me?"
"Yes, you." I snap back. "Are you really that pathetic and weak that as soon as I dump you for good, you go and pull some petty shit like this?" He waves his hands back and forth, signaling me to pause, but I won't. "You really are a fucking coward."

"I find that all really ironic considering you are the epitome of what you just described." He shakes his head with disgust. "I've done nothing but love you and try to be there for you after everything you've gone through. I've tried to help you, and all you've done is treat me like fucking shit, Reign. You're a selfish, self-absorbed person who uses everyone. You refuse to get help when you clearly need it. You can't keep using this shit as an excuse to walk all over everyone."

"Fuck you." I seethe. "This has nothing to do with any of that. I've never used my past as an excuse. You've always tried to change me, to fix me, when I never fucking asked for any of that. It was suffocating! You can't fix me. This is who I am, and I've never pretended to be anything else."