Memories That Still Haunt Us

Chapter Forty:

The bar feels like a sweaty gym. I'm a gazelle at a watering hole full of lions and leopards. I'm alone and desperate to drink myself into oblivion. Until the photo isn't plastered in my mind like a missing child poster.

I move to the bar where men buy me drinks, and one offers me coke, and I nod my head as I snort it secretly off his finger. Eventually, everything grows fuzzy, and despite how alone I am, I don't feel scared. In fact, I want nothing more than for one of these guys to drag my drunken body behind the bar and do what they want with me, because at least then it'll be familiar, and at least then it will distract my mind for long enough to only worry about that.

At some point, I've accepted the fact that that's all my existence in this life is really good for. Satisfying the man's gaze and allowing them to do as they please with my body. I don't have any talents or skills. Unless understanding men and their needs is a skill. Unless knowing how to please a man is a skill. I attend college with no real purpose or drive. No actual desires or goals. I go to say I go so I sound smart and so I may fulfill the fantasy of sleeping with a professor and for all the other selfish desires, but not because I want to accomplish anything or have a career in the future. I know my existence will have no real value, and I know I won't be remembered as a good person or someone who will be missed. I'm merely here for amusement and for looks, and that's all it will ever be.

At one point, I find myself barely able to steady myself as I lean against the cornered wall. The man who offered me blow is standing directly in front of me with a crooked smile on his face as he breathes down my neck and offers me more. He's not attractive, not remotely, but despite this, he has a cocky personality, like he's deserving of something that I'm supposed to give him, and because he offered me the blow, he has every right to do as he pleases with me. In a way, I wanted this. I searched for it and put myself in this situation. As many men would say, I was asking for it.

The combination of the cocaine, which I haven't done in quite some time, and the strong shots of alcohol has me feeling agitated. It might also have to do with my rage still lingering towards Millie and her family and the fact that I was unable to comfort Ellis in his time of need. But suddenly, the last thing I want is this man in my face, touching me, breathing on me. He repulses me, and I hate him for invading my space. I don't care how many drinks he's bought me; I'm tired of being touched, and all I want is Ellis.

I run my tongue along my gums and attempt to melt into the wall behind me. Anything to put some distance between me and him. I imagine the wall growing arms as they wrap around me firmly and bring me into the plaster until my body disappears altogether. He presses one hand on the wall beside my head, asserting his dominance. "You have the most beautiful smile." His words stick together like a fly trap, and my nose scrunches in disgust. "Like probably the most beautiful I've ever seen." His body sways, and it almost looks like he's swaying to the beat of the music, but really, he's so intoxicated that he's unable to stand straight.

A pinched smile grows on my face, and I realize coming here was a mistake. Which is odd in itself because I've never cared before. Going to bars, getting drunk, and having sex has always been my go-to. Now, I feel almost dirty for being here. I imagine Ellis walking in and seeing me pressed against the wall with this ugly man breathing down my neck, and I imagine his look of disappointment at my embarrassing state. The thought makes my neck grow hot. I don't want this anymore. I want Ellis and only him. The thought of these random men in the bar touching me and having sex with me doesn't have the same effect as it used to.

Uninterested, I press my palms against the wall beside me and tilt my head slightly away from him. "Thanks, I know." I reply dryly to his stale compliment, which I've heard my entire life from men who only say it in attempts to see me without my clothes on.