Stars Around My Scars - Conrad Fisher

18. Father Anger

We sit on the beach for a while. Conrad just lays his head on my shoulder and we stare at the water.

"What are we gonna do, Mack?" Conrad asks. "I mean, I haven't opened up to anyone like that for 3 months. Everyone thinks it's because of my ex but it's not. My mother has fucking cancer but won't tell us." He starts to cry a little so I rub his back.

"I don't know, Conrad." I say. "Every day for a month before this morning my whole brain, my whole personality has been shut down. Now I've opened up again for one person." I say. "Wait, Con, what's the deal between you and your dad?" I ask.

"He cheated." Conrad says, he sniffles. "He cheated on his wife, knowing that she had cancer." He says. "I-It's terrible."

"Seriously? God, he's a fucking douchebag." I say. "But, I mean, give him a chance. I hate to say it but at one point, he's going to be the only parent you have left." I say. "But at least you'll have at least one."

Conrad sighs and we sit and stare at the ocean for a few more minutes. "Thanks for being here, Mack Attack." He says, chuckling a little. I laugh a little. "I'll take the Adam thing into consideration."

"No problem Con." I say. "We should get back to the house." I say.

"Yeah, we should. Just promise me one thing, keep my secret." Conrad says. "No matter how many holes it punctures in your heart, no matter how much it wants to make you cry, cover it up." Conrad says. "I'm sure you know how to do that though, right?" He asks.

"Yep. Been doing it for a month now." I say. Conrad stands up and helps me up.

We both walk back to the house and help Stevie and Jere clean up. After a few minutes, Stevie and Jere go to set up the fireworks. Then Adam walks out.

Conrad tries to take my advice. "Hey dad." He says.

"Get everything cleaned up?" Adam asks.

"Yeah I'm working on it. Belly's upstairs with her dad." Conrad says.

"Why'd you let her get so drunk? You're lucky she and your mom didn't get hurt." Adam says, blaming everything on Conrad.

"I didn't know she was drinking that much." Conrad says.

"You're the oldest." Adam says. "You're supposed to look out for the younger kids." He says.

"I don't know why, but I thought I could talk to you." Conrad says. He sends me a glare and walks inside.

"Connie, I'm sorry, I have a lot going on right now." Adam says.

"Just leave, dad." Conrad says. He walks inside.

"Dude, why are you such an asshole to your son?" I ask.

"Excuse me?" Adam asks.

"Conrad's done nothing wrong. You know he has things to deal with too, right?" I ask.

"Yeah, I know but the things that he's dealing with can't be as important as what I'm dealing with." Adam says. "Now go inside." He says.

"Fine, I will. But two words before I go." I say. I shove Adam into the pool. When he gets to the surface I say, "Fuck you." Then I walk inside to find Conrad.

I walk up the stairs and I knock on Conrad's door. "Conrad?" I ask.

"Go away, Mackenzie." Conrad says.

I open the door and see Conrad staring out the window.

"Con, I'm sorry." I say.

"Sorry for what? Huh?" Conrad asks. I can tell he's angry.

"I'm sorry for telling you to talk to your dad." I say. "It wasn't my place to say anything." I say.

"Oh really?" Conrad asks, sarcastically. "Well maybe you'd actually understand what I'm going through if you actually had a dad!" Conrad yells. I flinch. I see the regret in his eyes. "No, M-Mack, I'm sorry." Conrad says. "I-I didn't mean it."

"Goodnight, Conrad." I say, glossy eyes, a tear slipping down my face. I go into my room and slam the door. I lock it and head to the bathroom. Then I pull out my fathers knife.

Why did I even say anything? Conrad's right, I would understand if I had a dad. I would understand if my dad didn't commit suicide and not even say goodbye.

I open the blade and slice my wrist. Why am I doing this? This doesn't help anything. I sit down on the floor with my head in my hands and think while blood slowly drips down my arm.

I have to let go of my father. The last memory besides pictures is right in the palm of my hand.

I get up and wrap a bandage around my arm. Then I sneak out the window and climb down to the driveway. Then I start walking to the beach.