Always Then and Now

Chapter 12

HANNAH

I woke up feeling groggy and disoriented.  I didn’t recognize my surroundings at first, so it took me a few seconds to realize where I was and then a few more to realize what was missing.  Or rather, who.

Gasping, I sat up quickly, then closed my eyes when dizziness set in.  I willed it to go away, then opened them again and looked around wildly.  Panic was settling in.  Where was Emily?  I was pretty sure I’d shut her bedroom door when we’d come in here for her nap, but now I couldn’t be sure.  Had I left it open?  But it was shut again now, so where could she be? 

My heart had plummeted into my stomach, and it sat there like a pit as I opened the door and headed down the hall, checking every room as I went.  “Emily?” I called, fear thick in my voice.  Tears welled in my eyes.  Oh God, if anything happened to her…

I heard voices as I neared the top of the stairs, and I practically fell down them as I hurried down to the first floor.  I sprinted across the kitchen and into the living room, skidding to a halt at the sight of Emily and Liam playing on the floor with play food from her little toy kitchenette. 

Liam looked up at me, his smile immediately vanishing as he took me in.  “Hannah?  What’s wrong?” he asked, climbing to his feet, a concerned look on his face.

“I…I thought…I didn’t know where she was…” I panted, finding it difficult to breathe, the tears threatening to spill.  I was pretty sure I was having a panic attack.  I braced my hand on the wall next to me, trying to keep my balance.  My whole body was shaking.

“Oh no, hey, we’re fine,” he said, striding quickly toward me, putting a steadying hand on my shoulder.  “I came home from work early and found you sleeping.  You looked so peaceful, and you had such a rough night last night.  I didn’t want to wake you, so I brought Em out here so that you could get a little more sleep.”

His words just made me feel worse.  I’d fallen asleep while I was supposed to be caring for his daughter.  Guilt speared through me; I didn’t deserve this job.  I could feel myself start to hyperventilate a little.  “I-I’m so sorry.  I didn’t mean to fall asleep; I swear.  Oh God, if anything had happened to her—”

“Hey, no, it’s okay, Hannah, it’s okay,” he crooned and pulled me toward him, wrapping his arms around me and hugging me close.  He rubbed my back as if to soothe me, and after freezing for a few moments, I melted into him, hugging him back.  This was weird, my brain was telling me.  Totally inappropriate.  But the contact felt good, his hand on my back calming me, helping me learn to breathe again.  A few tears spilled out of my eyes, both from the panic I’d felt and because of the relief that had flooded into me at seeing Emily safe and sound.

He held me for a few long moments, repeating that it was okay and that nothing was wrong, and I nodded against his shoulder, unable to speak.  Finally, I took a deep, shaky breath and pulled away, glancing at him and quickly looking away when I found him gazing kindly at me.  I didn’t deserve that kindness.  I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t angry with me.  Why he wasn’t firing me on the spot.

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled, my face flushing with heat as I tried to step away from him.  He wouldn’t let me, but instead, with his arm wrapped around my shoulders, steered me to the couch and urged me to sit down.  He sat down beside me.

“No, I’m sorry,” he said, still rubbing my back soothingly.  “I should have realized you’d wake up and panic when you couldn’t find Emily.  I wasn’t thinking.  All I could think about was how little sleep you’d gotten last night, and I couldn’t bring myself to wake you.  But Emily was awake, so I figured I’d bring her out here so that she wouldn’t disturb you.  I didn’t think about what would happen once you woke up.  I’m sorry.”