Always Then and Now

Chapter 44

HANNAH

I'd been hoping I wouldn't have to go home before my date with Nate, but since I hadn't expected to even be going on a date in the first place—because, let's face it, that sort of thing just didn't happen to me—I didn't have anything to wear. All of my new clothes were at home, not at Jai's. Plus, when Nate had asked me out, I'd stupidly given him my home address and not Jai's. I supposed it just showed that Liam's place had truly become home for me at some point in the past few months. I didn't think I'd realized that until just this moment. The thought left me feeling torn and heartbroken all over again.

I loved it here. I loved this house. I loved the space, and I loved Emily, and...I loved Liam. At some point, against my will, without even realizing it, I'd started fantasizing about growing old here, raising Emily here and maybe even other children as well. I'd actually started thinking about this place as my forever home.

But now, after everything that had happened with Liam, this home also brought me pain. Just looking at the closed door to his bedroom brought up memories of last weekend, of being drawn inside and held close, of being kissed and touched and...loved, in a way I'd never felt before. I'd been the only woman since Monica to see the inside of that room, to sleep next to him, wrapped up in his arms, in his bed. That had made me special. It'd been the happiest I'd ever been in my entire life, because I was there with Liam, the man I loved, and he'd loved me too.

Or so I'd thought.

Contrast that with the next morning in his office, one of the lowest lows of my life, when he'd not only told me he didn't harbour any romantic feelings for me, but also reiterated that I was merely his employee. I didn't think anything could hurt as much as those words had hurt me. Did I mean that little to him? I didn't think I'd ever be able to set foot in that office again without my heart breaking into a million pieces every time.

Even just seeing Liam now, knowing that we had shared a special closeness and couldn't anymore, pierced my heart with pain every time he was near. I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to go back to just being friends with him, not with how I felt about him. I'd definitely never again be able to cuddle with him on the couch, curl up against him with his arm around me—that could never be a platonic thing for me anymore, the way it could be for him. Every touch, every hug would just make me fall even more hopelessly in love with him. Hopeless being the operative word here.

My only choice, in order to retain my sanity, was to keep my distance, speak to him only when needed, and avoid spending any kind of time with him. Flee as much as I could while still remaining here. My heart needed to heal, and that was impossible with him around. Again, I thought about the fact that, if this had been any other kind of job, I'd have immediately quit and never looked back. But with Emily, I was stuck, as I couldn't just up and leave her. I was still floating the idea of trying to find someone to replace me, though, so that I could move on if things got too difficult. I didn't want to, but I had to do what was best for me, to keep myself from going insane with misery.

I entered the house as quietly as I could, hoping I could get in and out without him even knowing I was here. I quickly glanced into the living room from where I stood at the front door, and thankfully, he wasn't there. I breathed out a sigh of relief and quietly moved up the stairs, making it to my room and shutting the door silently behind me. I paused for a moment just to take a few deep breaths before I set about getting ready for my date.

To be honest, I wasn't even remotely excited about this date in the first place. If Jai hadn't been with me yesterday morning to accept for me, I'd have turned Nate down. To begin with, I sucked at dating. I had zero experience, so to go on a date with someone as charming and sought after as Nate would be nerve-wracking on a good day, let alone on a day like today, when I was heartbroken. My normal level of self-esteem was already ridiculously low, and the events of last weekend had only dropped it even more. I was pretty sure, at the moment, that my confidence level sat perched somewhere in the negative numbers. All I wanted to do tonight was to go hibernate at Jai's place, lock myself in my old room and wallow in my misery. Instead, I'd have to interact for a few hours with another person who was wildly out of my league. Well, I supposed the upside was that when he inevitably decided that I wasn't worth the time, it wouldn't hurt as much. My heart was already broken. It was kind of indifferent to any other man at the moment.