In Need Of A Definition

In Need Of A Definition - Intro

At this point in my life I can’t help but think to myself, what is wrong with me? Lately I’ve started to just analyse all the things that used to be irrelevant to you. I wonder why am I so lost? Why does everyone else seem to know and have what they want?

Ok let me explain…I think we all know that girl that always keeps to herself. The one that appears confident and happy. She’s the one that will give you as much advice as she can to help you but you never really know whats going on with her. Well I’m that girl, not the most popular girl in school, not that I want to be, but not the one with no friends. I’m stuck right in the middle, in a way that’s great but the grass is greener on the other side right?

So this is me full name Naveah Angel Brooks, age 15, half Nigerian half Italian. I’m just another teenager, but yet I’m so confused...so lost. Insecure in more ways that I can ever count. It hurts that no one knows how I truly feel, I’m stuck having to put up a front and act like the world is my oyster and nothing can break me. I know the things I keep in my heart will seriously hurt me one day but what am I supposed to do when no one cares. People say ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me’, so why do I feel so weak? Why is it that everytime someone says something to me about the way I look I feel by heart burn and endlessly bleed? Why do I feel so much hatred in my heart? I’m just confused!

I mean is it weird for a 15 year old to have never had a first kiss or a proper boyfriend? Is it weird for me to feel like every single detail on me is wrong in some way? What would life be like if I just wasn’t me? Sounds sad doesn’t it, but I still don’t know where all this is coming from. Surely I haven’t always felt like this, but maybe I have, maybe I’ve just tried to ignore it. Maybe I’ve just been in denial and now its built up to a point where the bandages are too weak to patch up the broken pieces of my heart.

‘Beauty is in the eye of the beholder’ ‘Everyone is beautiful in their own way’, that’s what I constantly tell myself, but now its just a fantasy. I just want someone to notice that I am here. Just crying out and needing someone to listen to me for once, someone to be a shoulder for me to cry on. That’s not too much to ask for is it?

I mean we all dream about ‘him’, we might deny it but we do. The ‘one’ that knows you inside out and will never let you down ‘he’s’ just perfect, but that just creates false hope and sets us up for more heartbreak. I’ve passed that stage where I want to be loved; now I need it. My heart constantly cries out and searches for love, all this disappointment is killing me. I need to feel like someone likes, not even loves, just likes me for me. I need a person who will understand that I am not, nor will I ever be perfect. I just need someone to heal my broken heart if just for a moment, because that moment could save my life.

This is all a bit sad really, a teenage girl wanting a boyfriend, that’s what it sounds like to you, right? Heck, that’s what it sounds like to me too sometimes, but its more than that, its more than the jealousy I feel towards couples I see or people I see that are so happy. It’s me after all these years finally realizing that for the 15 years of my life, no one has ever listened to what I have to say. No one has ever done anything to prove that they ‘love’ me, not even the people that are supposed to be my parents.

They just simply belittle me and make jokes that I laugh along to because I feel like I have to or they would see right through which would just make me vulnerable and weak. Who wants that? Not me, never. No matter how I feel, I will never let anyone know because they will just take advantage. I cannot trust, maybe that’s my weakness, but no one needs to know that right? As long as I don’t let anyone in, I won’t be hurt again.

This Is The First Story I've ever Written So I Just Wanna See Where It Goes

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