In Need Of A Definition

Chapter Eight [Pic of Naveah]

Isolated - separated from other persons or things; alone; solitary

That's what the dictionary says, plain and simple, but there's always more that meets the eye. I know what that word means to me, its how ive felt my whole life, now more than ever. 'Separated from other persons' in my case the 'other persons' have separated themselves from me. They left me alone, solitary with nothing. No memory of love. No memories, just nightmares.

I cant take it anymore, being this alone is burning heart. I don't know what it feels like to be happy. I know im making it worse but I just cant bring myself to trust anyone to talk about it, everyone I love is either leaves me, disappoints me or is taken away. I cant remember that feeling of love and happiness.

Happiness - the quality or state of being happy

Happy - delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing: to be a happy person

The dictionary definition in clear black and white, no matter how long I stare at and try to process those words I still don't remember. I cant remember how it feels to be surrounded by love and protection. I cant remember how it feels to be held in my daddy's arms. I cant remember how life was. I know I should hate him right now, I mean he literally abandoned me, what kind of father does that? But he's still my dad no matter what and I cant help but think hope that every time I hear the door creak open that its him coming to take care of me and tell me everything's gonna be fine.

I wanna go back to that place where the only sadness I ever felt was when my dad was leaving me for work. The way I would just cry nonstop, not even Marcel's singing could calm me down then. I would just cry myself to sleep because I didn't get to tell him that I love him when he left. But then he comes back in the morning and brightens my day, wipes my dry tears.

'Principessa, why were you crying?' he would ask

'Because I didn't get to tell you that I love you this much!' I would exclaim spreading my little arms as far as they could go. He would just laugh and hold his arms out for me to come in.

'Ti amo anch'io' he replied saying I love you too.

That's how it used to be, a continuous spiral I would cry and he would always be there no matter what. I don't know what happened. I miss being able to talk to him anytime and any day. I miss my happiness, he was that happiness. The way he would hold me when I cried at the tiniest thins. The way nothing could touch me when I was with my daddy.

Now its all gone. He hates me and I don't know why. I cant tell, he doesn't look at me the same anymore, he looks like he's trying to look at me the way he did but it hurts him and I can tell. Anything can get to me now because I don't have that protection anymore and I know I wont ever get it back. He looks at me and I see nothing but pain. I haven't changed, I still sit with my window open and constantly wonder what would happen if I jumped. Who would care? Who would think twice about my pain? The pain which has somehow gone unnoticed.

I want it back, that security that made me feel invisible, I want it back. Like a baby wants it blankee. I need it back. I thought it was unconditional, I thought I would never lose it. I know at times I took it for granted, but that was when I knew it would still be waiting for me.

Im a girl that just wants her dad's love back. I lay here finally thinking to myself and opening up, but only to myself and prepare to close the iron gates of my heart yet again. No more will I cry. No more will I leave the gates of my heart unlocked.

I cry for the last time.

I've lost too much to let this defeat me. Im standing strong and making a name for myself, not for anyone else, for me. Its time I took charge of my life and did something for me. What doesn't kill makes you stronger right?

Im done looking for a shoulder to cry on, im done relying on others. Im gonna help myself now, if you want something done right do it yourself init. In the words of Jessie J 'The vision may be blurry but choose your heart to see'. That's exactly what im going to do, im gonna do be. Nothing less, nothing more.

I know the people that will always be there for me now, I mean they saved my life so it makes no sense shutting them out. The people that were there to help me when I needed them the most, I've gotta start appreciating them before I push them too far away. I love them so much and I just need to let them know that I will try to let them in more. Its not gonna be easy to trust, after I've been broken so many times but I've gotta try even if it is just the select few. It's a start right.

But there's something bugging me, I cant help but think about Marcel. I don't understand why he came to me now when I haven't seen him since a couple weeks after the funeral. There's something going on and I need to find out. I cant help but see those pair of dark eyes that shot my brother every time I close my eyes. I need to find him, I cant rest knowing he's still out there.

Maybe that's the missing piece in my life right now, I don't know how but I need to find him.  

Its time I take charge of my own life and make my own pathway. Im not alone, no more Angel, Its Nae's time to stand strong. Angel, that dark shadow that haunted me and made my life hell will never come back. I cant let myself get that weak again.

I can finally be me.

Sooo…..

I now its a bit short but i just had to get something out 4 now cos i got exams

Next One Out On Tuesday

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