The Decision

Chapter 18

Clarke spun on the spot, locking eyes with Lexa and without a single thought, felt her legs carrying her forward and then in one swift movement she found herself leaping up and over the railing before landing several feet below.

As a blend of concerned voices filled her ears, Clarke straightened up and advanced on Lexa as a predator on prey, but when Lexa's arms opened, the only thing that she could do was leap and crash their bodies together much in the same way that she had on the very first night that they'd met.

"I'm sorry," Lexa quickly said as she closed her arms around her and held on tight. "I had to," she shook her head.

"You asshole," Clarke whispered as she closed her eyes, suddenly feeling a rush of tears slip down her cheeks.

"I had to," Lexa repeated, pressing her forehead down as though trying to burrow into her neck.

Clarke leaned back and took either side of her beautiful face in her hands. "Six years," she spoke firmly, staring into her eyes. "You're so stupid," she shook her head, feeling Lexa's fist close on the sides of her t-shirt. She didn't mean it, not really – but, God, this woman.

Lexa stared back at her, a visible pain showing in her eyes. "They were horrible people, Clarke," she stated as her own tears began to build. "I knew what would happen – how far they would go. I couldn't let them," she paused and shook her head, allowing several tears to streak down her face. "I just couldn't."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Clarke questioned her. A stupid question – maybe, but an honest one.

"You couldn't know," Lexa responded, shaking her head again and attempting to choke back her tears. "I knew...you said you couldn't...so, I knew if I acted horribly – if I acted like them. If I just cast you all aside for something seemingly bigger and better, you would hate me for it – all of you. I banked on it."

"But, why?" Clarke questioned, feeling her mind slightly swirl. "Why would you want us to actually hate you?"

While it was true, when Lexa had interned for her father and that similar side reared, she really couldn't take it – she just couldn't, but it had never made her hate her or even consider hating her. Back then, the thought was just that she could never.

"It wasn't a want, Clarke. I never wanted it. I needed it," Lexa explained firmly. "Every bridge that I had, had to be burnt. It had to be. It was the only way," she tightened her grip slightly. "There couldn't be anything that connected us - nothing. If there was, they would have found it. They would have known."

Clarke stared back at her, her mind now flooding as all the things that she hadn't known quickly began to replace everything that she thought she had.

Lexa hadn't abandoned her – not in the manner that she had believed, nor had she wanted to. All of it had been a lie. She hadn't used her or rejected her. She had loved her – protected her, and in the process, likely subjected herself to what Clarke was quite sure had been a six-year living nightmare.

It was true, Lexa's parents were horrible people. Completely true. Not a single question about it They were the worst of the absolute worst. They were power hungry and selfish, vindictive and abusive – dangerous, horrible, horrible people.

"I thought that my leaving would put an end to it," Lexa continued anxiously, "and outwardly, it did or at least, I thought it did, but they never stopped – not really," she drew a shaky breath, her eyes glossing over once more. "Last night, I read everything – everything about your life. Where you've been, what you have been doing, degrees you've gotten – dental procedures you've had," she rambled on mindlessly. "Fuck, I even know that Abby had her...."