The Decision

Chapter 11

Lexa stumbled through her apartment. It had been hours since she had fled the farmers market and she was drunk, really drunk, but not too drunk and regardless, she knew that it was a bad idea. After running into Clarke earlier, she just needed to get lost, she needed to forget the look in Clarke's eyes, the sincerity in her voice and God, the feel of her lips. They had been the same, exactly how Lexa had remembered them – everything was the same and when she bit down, yes, there had been pain, but there had also been something else. Something familiar and it made her ache with a longing that she had never been able to shake. Her longing for Clarke.

"No," Lexa shook her head quickly as she dropped down into the chair at her desk. "Stop it," she told herself as she shuffled through some papers and then poured herself another drink. This was so pointless.

There was a fine line, just as there had always been, only now, it was the problem. She wanted Clarke back in her life, she had missed her and still needed her, but still, at moments, it was just so hard to be around her. To be near her and know that she was no longer hers, that she belonged to someone else now and soon, she'd belong to them forever. It was painful and it was wrong, but she wasn't going to break. She could do this. She could.

The truth was, she couldn't really fault Clarke for getting upset with her when they had breakfast, after all, Clarke had been right – she had run away. She didn't mean to, she just had to. It was just too much to take. The fact that after everything they had shared together – all of Lexa's sweetest memories, Clarke could use only one word to sum her up. Just one word to show how she remembered her. Mean. That had been like a searing bullet shooting directly through her heart and she couldn't take it. Clarke had remembered her, the same way that people were going to remember her parents and that realization, was just too much to handle.

With a heavy growl, Lexa launched her glass across the room, dropping her head into her hands as the sound of the shattering glass filled her ears. She wasn't them. She wasn't like them. She wasn't. Clarke always said that she wasn't.

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"Babe?" Clarke's voice filled her ears.

Lexa was lying on her bed with tear stained cheeks, feeling just completely exhausted on every level. She had gotten home sometime just before dawn, after spending what had been a grueling four days working side by side with her father and now, all that she wanted to do was lay there and cry, but she'd forgotten that she told Clarke that she would be back this morning.

Lexa quickly sat up and wiped off her cheeks. "You're here early," she said when Clarke stepped into the doorway.
"I wanted to see you," Clarke smiled at her. "I missed..." she paused, clearly taking in the look of her.
"I'm fine," Lexa assured her, shaking her head lightly.
"You're not," Clarke frowned as she moved forward and sat down beside her, taking her in her arms. "What happened?"
Lexa swallowed hard as a new rush of tears filled her eyes. Just being with Clarke again released such a sense of relief that it was almost over powering. "I don't want to be like them," she said quietly.
"You're not like them," Clarke responded instantly. "You could never be like them."
"But, I am." Lexa shook her head. "I was so horrible to this kid – he was just trying to do his job, but he screwed it up and I just – I lost it on him," tears slipped down her cheeks, "and then I just froze, because I realized that I was him. I was my father."
"Losing your temper does not make you like your father." Clarke's tone was firm. "You have emotions, like everybody else and sometimes, when things go wrong, you're going to get angry and lose you shit. It happens to everyone. You're human."
"I know that I'm human. I just," Lexa shook her head again. "I don't want to be cruel."
"Baby," Clarke smiled warmly, "you could never be cruel. You don't have a cruel bone in your body. You're parents are everything that you could never be – you're just not capable, and you – well, you're everything that they're not capable of being. Hell, they should be jealous of you."
Lexa tried and failed to stifle a chuckle. "Jealous?"
"Well, yeah." Clarke grinned at her. "You are pretty amazing, after all."
Lexa felt her lips stretch into a smile as her heart swelled with warmth. "No," she said softly. "I'm quite certain that that's you."
Clarke inched her head down and pressed their lips together.