The Decision

Chapter 13

Lexa was sitting at her desk, yet again, combing through a mountain of paperwork as Anya prepared lunch for them in the kitchen. The day, so far, had been long and grueling, but the two were doing their best to get through as much as they could – even with Lexa constantly spacing out.

After witnessing Clarke's panic attack the previous night, Lexa found that she could barely think of anything else. She hadn't planned on running into Clarke, Lincoln and Octavia or meeting Wells – she was only there to have dinner and go over some things with Anya, but fate, it seemed, enjoyed torturing her. Though she was bitter about the fact that she had run into them all, again – she was also grateful, because had she not, then she wouldn't have been able to help Clarke through what appeared to be an absolutely awful and painful attack.

A knock at the door suddenly caught her attention and Lexa got to her feet and crossed the room. As she pulled the door open, her feet immediately took her back a step.

"Octavia," Lexa said as she squared her shoulders.
"Scared?" Octavia questioned with a grin as she popped an eyebrow at her.
Lexa's hands went up, one finger pointing to her busted eyebrow and another to her split lip.
"Fair enough," Octavia reasoned with a nod. "Though, I would recommend at least one more step back – I have a really good reach."
Lexa took another step back and then one to the side, silently motioning for Octavia to come inside.

As she crossed the threshold, Lexa took a deep breath. This wasn't going to be pleasant and she knew it. Octavia had always been the mother bear type, and though she technically hadn't done anything wrong, she had no doubt that Octavia was about to take a bite out of her.

"What can I do for you, Octavia?" Lexa asked as she closed the door.
"Stay away from Clarke," Octavia answered simply as she turned to face her. "She doesn't need you filling her head with your bullshit – again."
Lexa took a deep breath and tightened her jaw. "You really think low of me," she nodded. "Don't you?"
"You're damn right I do," Octavia's eyes flashed with anger. "I think you get off on it. Using people. Hurting them, and then throwing them away like garbage."
Lexa swallowed hard, but said nothing.

She knew that there was nothing that she could say – nothing that was going to change Octavia's opinion of her. Oh, she could argue it, but in the end, she'd still just have to accept it. While on some twisted level, she knew that she and Octavia were still friends, she also knew that that friendship was not free and she had left behind a massive debt.

"Clarke loved you – she trusted you and you hurt her deeper than anyone ever could," Octavia continued. "You used her to fill your time at school and then tossed her away like she was just some whore – not capable of meeting your ridiculously high lifestyle standards."
"Watch your mouth," Lexa warned her angrily as she took a step forward, feeling her body temperature climb.
"You know," Octavia shook her head, looking at her with nothing but disdain. "I actually believed you that night. How foolish was I?"
Lexa took a deep breath. She didn't need to ask what Octavia was referring to – her mind was already taking her back there.

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They were hanging out at Monty's and Lexa was sitting in a chair, just watching Clarke playing beer pong on the other side of the room with Raven, Bellamy and Jasper. It was so easy to get lost in watching her. It filled her with a comforting warmth and brought her such peace and every time that Clarke would smile, she couldn't help the smile that crossed her lips. It was infectious and devastating and Lexa was reveling in every moment of it.

They had been dating for a while and though Lexa had already made it known to Clarke how much she meant to her, she hadn't actually said the words to her yet. It wasn't that she didn't feel it. In fact, she felt it so strongly, that she was sure one day her heart was simply burst and just burn a hole right though her chest. No, it wasn't that she didn't feel it, it was just that she wasn't sure how to tell her.