The Decision

Chapter 10

Clarke jumped into her car and quickly turned over the ignition. What the fuck? She needed to get out of there. She needed to get out of there now. A few moments later, as she sat at a red light, she firmly pressed her head back into the headrest of her seat with her mind reeling. What the hell happened? Everything had been going so good. They were just having a pleasant breakfast and then the next thing that she knew, all hell had broken loose. Lexa had gotten so angry so fast and then she just walked out. She just walked out! Again! How could she do that? How could she just toss some money on the table like it was nothing and simply walk away? God! It was just, infuriating!

Somewhere, deep inside, Clarke knew that she had been aching to kiss Lexa, even more so after she'd realized that someone else had been on her. That much, she could admit to herself. It was wrong and she knew it, however, regardless of the ache, she had absolutely no intention of actually doing it. It just happened so fast. She just got so upset, so caught up, and it just happened. She needed to get home. She needed to sort this out, and now, she needed to apologize to Lexa – again. How was she messing this up so badly? How had she gone from having complete control in her life to none at all?

Finally crossing the threshold into her apartment, Clarke quickly made a beeline for the bedroom. "Fuck," she muttered to herself as she collapsed on to the bed, "fuck, fuck, fuck..."

She needed to sleep, just sleep and not think or at least, not think about Lexa, but after that kiss – it just seemed harder than ever. Everything about it was the same as she remembered. The feel, the way their lips moved together, ugh – she even tasted the same and it made something inside of Clarke just scream out.

Once upon a time, she had been so afraid to kiss Lexa, so afraid to just take that leap and now, fuck, her body seemed to take the leap on its own volition, without even considering her. Clarke rolled over and smashed her face into the pillow, suddenly remembering the aftermath of their first kiss.

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Clarke hit the street and quickly pulled out her phone. Fuck. Fuck! She was wrong. God, she was so wrong. She shouldn't have kissed her– she shouldn't have even suggested it. The look on Lexa's face. Fuck, her face. There was nothing – nothing. She didn't feel it, she didn't feel anything.

Clarke: I fucked up.
Raven: Fuck. The toaster again, Griffin? Ugh, don't worry. I'm sure I can fix it, AGAIN!
O: Please, define fucked up.
Clarke: Lexa and I kissed.
Raven: Nice!!!
O: About time.
Clarke: No!
Clarke: It's not a good thing!
Raven: Really? Was she that bad?
O: Clarke? What happened?
Clarke: She doesn't feel the same way that I do. I knew that she didn't.
Clarke: I told you that she didn't!
O: What?
Raven: Bullshit!
Clarke: Rae, she just asked me to leave!
Clarke: Fuck. I ruined everything.
O: Where are you?
Clarke: On my way home.

Getting back to her apartment, Clarke immediately dropped herself into her bed, no longer able to control the sobs that were escaping her. This was bad. So bad. Why was she so stupid? She should have just left it alone. What they had was so great and now, everything was going to be different, everything was going to be weird. Out of all of the people that she had to fall for, why did it have to be Lexa?

"Hey..." Octavia said softly as she slid on to the bed, curling herself around her from behind.
Clarke released a slight whimper, acknowledging her presence.
"It's going to be alright," Raven said as she appeared in front of her, brushing the hair out of her eyes.
"It's not," Clarke shook her head. "You didn't see her face."
"We'll figure it out," Octavia assured her calmly.
"I should have just left it alone." Clarke told them. "How could I think..."
"Clarke, it doesn't add up," Raven added. "Even Anya thinks that she's head over heels for you."
"Well, you were all wrong," Clarke snapped lightly, "because we kissed and there was just – nothing."
"You didn't feel anything?" Octavia asked curiously as she rubbed her arm.
"Me?" Clarke's eyes went wide. "I felt everything. God, it was like the whole world spun around me!"
"And Lexa?" Raven adjusted herself on the bed. "Did you guys talk about it?"
Clarke shook her head. "She just stared at me," she shrugged feebly, "and then said that she thought that I should go, so I left."
"We'll figure it out." Octavia repeated. "Raven's right. Something just doesn't add up. We've all seen the way that Lexa looks at you."
"Yeah," Raven scoffed with a quick nod. "Fuck. It's like you're the most amazing thing that she's ever seen."