Jimmy: And here we see Katherine and Scott in their natural habitat. Texting eachother variations of the word "garlic bread" to try to make eachother laugh.
Katherine: Gaelic bread.
Scott: Grueling brad.
Katherine: Ha ha, glamorous beans.
Jimmy: Katherine, how do you feel about lifting heavy things?
Katherine: My doctor just said I should avoid—
Jimmy: Being a wuss? I agree.
Shelby: I have a 1:30 appointment.
Scott: Which doctor?
Shelby: No, I want the regular doctor.
Scott: And I'd love to be sorry for that, but we all know I've done much, much worse.
Scott, trying to comfort Jimmy: What's the problem? Anxiety? Low self-esteem? Obsessive thoughts of random arson? I've been there.
Scott: Just say when.
Jimmy: When.
Scott: I-
Scott: Now or later?
Jimmy: Oh.
Jimmy: Tommorrow's garbage day.
Scott: I can't believe they made a whole day dedicated to you.
Scott: Yo! I heard you like reptiles, got any fun facts?
Tango: If a crocodile eats your dad, they become your new dad.
Scott: *looks at Jimmy*
Scott: Baby boy. Baby.
Scott: *looks at Shelby*
Scott: Evil.
Katherine: How long do you think it'll take?
Scott: I don't know, three or four.
Katherine: Three or four what? Days? Weeks? Months?
Scott: Yeah, maybe five.
Katherine: Five what?!
Tango: Between Shelby, Jimmy, Joey, and Katherine -- if you had to -- who would you punch?
Scott: No one! They're my friends. I wouldn't punch any of them.
Tango: Joey?
Scott: Yeah, but I don't know why.
Shelby, walking into Jimmy and Scott's bedroom in the middle of the night: I had a bad dream.
Jimmy: What was it about?
Scott: No, don't ask them that! <br>Jimmy: Why not?
Scott: Cause they'll answer!
Scott: *standing at the top of the stairs* What are y'all doing at the bottom of the staircase?
Joey: I accidentally fell down.
Tango: JIMMY PUSHED ME down the stairs because I refuse to pay THEIR part of our rent!
Katherine: Joey bet me fifty bucks that I couldn't reach the bottom of the stairs faster than they did falling down it, so I slide down the banister to get my money.
Shelby: I don't know how I got here. One moment, I was sleeping in my bed, three floors up, and then suddenly I was waking up here, just in time to get crushed by Katherine.
Jimmy: They don't make them like me no more. I'm the last of my kind.
Tango: Thank god.
Katherine: Hi.
Shelby: *melts down in a flustered heap of softness*
Shelby: Stop setting things on fire because you're curious about what will happen. What will happen is fire.
Tango: But what if something else happens just this one time.
Jimmy: Truth or dare?
Scott: Truth.
Jimmy: How many hours have you slept this week?
Scott:
Scott: Dare.
Jimmy: Go to sleep.
Scott: I don't like this game.
Scott: Plants are basically the ideal friends. They are quiet, friendly, and easy to please. All they need is a little water and fresh earth, and they are perfectly happy to lie there all day in the sun. And they don't make increasingly awful life choices, or hide their relationships. They have never, as far as I know, fucked a bee.
Scott, gesturing to Katherine: Jimmy, look what you did! You made Mom upset!
Shelby: Mom, please don't cry, we're sorry!
Jimmy: I'm sorry Mom... :(
Katherine, near tears: I DON'T REMEMBER GIVING BIRTH TO ANY OF YOU!
Jimmy: Where are you going?
Scott: To get MYSELF a gift cause somebody didn't get me one!
Jimmy: I told you I did! Its coming here on Friday!
Joey, knowing full well that Jimmy got Scott an engagement ring: *eating popcorn*
Joey: Why is Katherine making me do the dishes again? You haven't washed them in a week, Shelby!
Shelby: It's because I'm Katherine's favorite.
Joey: I hate you.
Scott, about Jimmy: I could fix them, but honestly whatever the hell is wrong with them is way funnier.
Joey: That's what any god probably thinks about me.
Scott: Jimmy is a perfect cinnamon scone who's never done anything wrong in their entire life!
Shelby: Never done anything wrong?! They set a city block on FIRE!
Joey: I am strong! I beat Katherine at arm wrestling!
Katherine :Anyone can beat jimmy at arm wrestling!
Jimmy: Hey-
Jimmy: Is the plural of milf/dilf milfs/dilfs or milves/dilves?
Shelby: Milfs.
Scott: Milf/dilf is an acronym, you can't change the spelling to milves/dilves.
Jimmy: Wait, they're acronyms? What do they stand for???
Katherine: Mom in late forties, dad in late fourties.
Katherine: I learned that from the movie called M.I.L.F that I saw the trailer of in theaters probably 5 to 7 years ago.
Scott: Mom/dad I'd Love to Fuck.
Jimmy: WAIT, WHAT THE FUCK—
Jimmy: I NEVER REALIZED IT WAS ACTUALLY HORNY!
Katherine: Oh, is it not mom in late fouries?
Shelby: What? No! It isn't!
Katherine: THE MOVIE TRAILER LIED TO ME!
Scott: Katherine...
Katherine: THIS IS WHY I DIDN'T THINK CALLING PEOPLE MILFS WAS ALL THAT BAD BECAUSE IT STOOD FOR SOMETHING HARMLESS IT JUST HAD A SLIGHTLY SEXUAL CONNOTATION!
Scott: I am entirely unsurprised that this is coming from you.
Katherine: JIMMY, DOES IT MAKE SENSE WHY I CALLED THE DIARY OF A WIMPY KID MOM A MILF NOW BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS LITERALLY JUST A DESCRIPTOR WITH FUNNY CONNOTATION!
Jimmy: The word milf has been ruined for me.
Shelby: THAT'S ITS DEFINITION, IT CAN'T BE RUINED THAT'S WHAT IT MEANS!
Scott: Y'all are dumbasses.
Tango: How do you do that?
Jimmy: I'm fearless.
Shelby: I saw you run from bees yesterday. You flailed around and tripped over a chair. It was both hysterical and sad.
Jimmy: I'm mostly fearless.
Jimmy, to Tango: I'll be under the mistletoe when you start feeling desperate!
Jimmy: What's up with Tango? They've been laying on the floor for like....an hour now?
Katherine: They're just a little overwhelmed.
Jimmy: Why?
Katherine: Scott smiled at them.
Katherine: Jimmy annoyed me today so I told them that I can't wait to see what they have planned for our special day tomorrow.
Scott: There is nothing special about tomorrow.
Katherine: But there is something special about watching the color leave their face as panic takes over.
(Me headcannoing them as cousins-)
Scott: Hah! 69! you know what that means?
Jimmy: What?
Shelby: That you're a child.
Katherine: HOW YOU GUESS MY IQ?!?
Shelby: I have the sharpest memory here - name one time I forgot something!
Katherine: You left me, Jimmy, and Scott in a Walmart parking lot at 2am a day ago.
Shelby: I did that on purpose, try again.
Katherine: I was third wheeling-
YOU ARE READING
Mcyt oneshots!||Hermitcraft||afterlife||empires smp||life Series
FanfictionNo dream smp or origins btw guys I do requests a fast as i can and I try to make it good!
