•suvi•

white to red

we had a couple of photoshoots.all i could think was that i was big. not like tall just big, ever since i moved to germany i thought everything would stop. i thought the words would quiet down but there coming back and they are worse then ever.

we had a show but it was cancelled because of the rain so we decided to go to the kaulitz's beach house and host a party. georg and gustav sent the invites out and told the house keepers to leave. tom told everyone to bring drink but if they couldnt there would be loads of drink any way. i have started to like partys. the alcohol. the weed. the pills. the group never did anything but drink or smoke nothing to serious. i missed the partys back home, everyone would stop the drama and would just party. i missed taking random pills and hoping you would wake up. the guys dont know much about my life before germany. but i think they are going to find out soon.

we walked up to the house multiple bags in each of our hands. we started setting out the drink whilst people came in. me and baby turned on our favourite songs, she smiled and pulled out a joint. ' ready to see some shit' baby smiled.
' this is why i love you ivy' i smirked. the joint was laced with acid. this is what i was waiting for..

FEW HOURS LATER
every one is dancing and the music is blasting. the affects were over and i was back to normal. i havent drunk anything yet but me and baby were ready to get smashed. we hadnt talked to anyone but eachother since the party started, probably cos we were high but still. we went off to find the boys and we found them talking to a group of girls. the fucking models.
' hey sluts!' i said.
' hey..' - first girl.
' we wanted to say we are sorry for what we said about you ivy. we were just jealous..really jealous.  you were so effortlessly beautiful but us we werent. we have diet after diet but you didnt need any off that stuff. we don't expect you too forgive us but we want to at least say sorry. if you want us to leave we will go.' -second girl. the third girl nodded and looked down at her feet.
' i might forgive you later on but not right now. there is no need to put down a girl too make your self feel better. you will never know what you made me feel like or made me do... i am not effortlessly beautiful. please leave now.' ivy stated. they all nodded before leaving. i looked at her different like i couldnt believe that she felt this way. i just hugged her, there was nothing else i could do.
'your gorgeous baby' i whispered in her ear ' now lets party babe'

we pulled the guys to the table filled with everything you could imagine. i grabbed a bottle of fruity smirnoff and drank it all in one. i need to be drunk before the voices started again.

'slow down summer. its only 2.' tom said looking at me like i was a fool. the drink hit me like a ton of bricks.
'i need the toilet where is it?' i asked all of them.
' down the hall to your right' bill said ' but hurry up girl cos i need my favourite drinking partner.

i smiled before walking into the bathroom. i walked in to see a boy sniffing white powder of the countertop.
' hey your summer aint ya?' he smiled wiping his nose.
' yeah and who are you?' i said sitting on the side of the bath next to him. he was scraping another line together.
'ivys brother harry' he smiled ' want one ?'
' yes pleaseee' -me
' so are you moving to germany too?' -me
' yeah just for a couple months' -harry
he snorted his line first then i did the other two.
' why only i few months? you seem cool' i smiled at him.
'then i come back here to live with my mom for a few months. me and ivy dont have the same mom so she doesnt come back here but i do.' -harry
' wanna get high?' -harry smirked
' yesss!' i stood up and felt dizzy as fuck.
we jumped out of the window and walked towards the beach. i took of my heels and grabbed his hand and ran to the beach front. when we got right where the water was. he laid down his jacket and we both sat on it. it was cold so i moved closer to him and he put his arm around me. he then pulled out the joint and lit it. puff. pass. puff. pass.

i looked at him with red watery eyes before everything went black. i woke up in a dark room and somone next to me. i looked who i was lying on and it was tom. i woke him up.
'where are we tom. ANSWER ME WHERE ARE WE!' i screamed. he bolted awake.
'summer we are in my beach house, you blacked out last night. you drank alot and took alot of...' he didnt finish his sentence he just got up and left. i just curled up in the sheets and dug my head into the pillow. i couldnt  say anything. after a few hours i walked along the hall looking for the upstairs bathroom. i found it and they havent cleaned up from last night. i kicked the cups that were in my way and sat down on the toilet lid. i look at the sink and the was a bag. i dont know why but i poured the full thing out on the bench and used my nails to make lines. i snorted all of them and looked at my face. my nose red and sore. my eyes pink and puffy and a blue bruise on my head. i must of smacked it on a rock when i blacked out. i opened the cabinet and saw a razer. i knew i shouldnt but i did. white scars into red lines. over and over. black.

hey!! kinda a sad chapter but if you read these parts you will know i was going to make a sad chapter. please dont say ' my living nightmare' or stupid shit like that because this is based of my experience with drugs and SH. but if any one is struggling try and get help! i am two years clean of drugs and SH and i am very proud and happy! i wanted to talk about my experience without doing my full story hope you liked it. this is partially based of me but remember you can get help.
as always love you guys and thanks for reading
bye guys!