Every Part Of Us

4. A bitch

Jake and Evan abandoned me pretty quick. Well they didn't really abandon me but they went to say hi to Jetson and Dom and I had decided against joining them. Jetson and Dom were my friends but next to the two was a brown haired girl I didn't know and I'd stopped my walk over the second I saw her. I didn't like new people, I didn't even really like people I knew.

I wasn't a socializer, I didn't want to walk around mingling. I usually stayed over by the drinks being antisocial with a few friends to make me look slightly less pathetic. I liked being comfortable and parties never made me feel comfortable no matter how much I tried to like them.

"You came!" Connor showed up in front of me with a wide smile on his face.

"I said I would." I shifted on my feet trying to keep myself from trying to scan the room for a way out of the conversation.

I told myself I'd try. I wouldn't let the past ruin this. Connor was my friend.

"I figured there was a good chance you'd change your mind." He shrugged.

I'm not the one that always went back on their word.

I bit my tongue keeping the words in my mouth. I told Jake I'd play nice and I should last longer than ten minutes before I let myself be an ass.

"I tried but Jake promised to stop for ice cream on the way back." I tried to joke.

"Jake making a stop? Wow you must be special." Connor laughed.

"He made two for Evan on the way up, I swear I've never been more surprised." I tried to let myself relax into this conversation.

It was just Connor. There wasn't any reason to be stressed. But the second I looked back at his face and that easy smile my brain was reminding me of all the reasons I tried to keep my distance.

"I'm not going to keep covering for you if all you're going to do is drink and screw anyone with two legs." I snapped, I was sick of Connor not even trying.

"Jealousy doesn't look good on you Adam." Connor just waved me off not caring that I was here as a worried friend and not trying to dictate how he lived his life just for the fun of it.

"Grow up Connor."

"You can't be mad just because we all can't be miserable like you. I'd say you need to get laid but we both know you can't get your dick up."

The words were like a twist of a knife in my chest. Connor had been my friend and when I'd decided that it was the normal thing to have sex I'd let him bring me to one of his parties and get swept away by a pretty girl with long brown curls. And when it all went terribly wrong it was Connor I went to.

I'd never regretted that until now. Until he threw the worst part of myself right in my face.

I blinked. That wasn't what I wanted to be thinking about but still those words echoed around my head. I just wanted to move on. I wanted to be able to accept the olive branch and be Connor's friend again. He'd kept his side of the promise, he'd stayed sober and put the effort in.

I didn't think I've done anything to try to make things better between us.

"Oh there's someone I want you to meet." Connor's entire face lit up as he turned to scan for someone in the crowd.

I felt that familiar tightness in my chest. My head spun slightly and my mouth was opening before my brain could even catch up.

"I was actually about to go get myself a drink but maybe later?" I rushed out doing my best to be as polite as I could.

Connors face fell slightly and I did nothing to try to backtrack my words. I just turned and tried my best to get as far away from the situation as I could.

I was a coward but the further away I got from Connor the more that pain in my chest let up. Once I got to the table where the drinks were I felt myself finally be able to take a breath.

"Let me guess, bud light?" A voice snapped me out of my thoughts.

I turned to see a brown haired girl frowning at me from where she was leant against the table.

"What?" I just blinked at her not really knowing what to say.

"You drink Bud Light or one of those beers that ends in light, you look like the type of bitch to not be able to handle anything stronger than piss water." She said taking a sip of her own cup.

"And you call me a bitch." I muttered and reached in the cooler to grab a beer.

"Some people would consider that sexist. You can't be going around calling girls bitches anymore." Her frown turned into a smile and I think I preferred the frown.

"What's your problem?" I fully turned to face her letting my control snap.

"I'm Cass." She introduced herself.

"I didn't know I asked."

She laughed loudly not seeming to care that I was not having a good time right now. My anger was buzzing under my skin and I was ready to walk away any second.

This was why I hated socializing. I hated meeting new people. I had no idea where this interaction was going and looking over at Cass I couldn't read anything on her face.

Any of that tightness that had gone away was back at full force. I really fucking hated this.

"This is the part in the conversation you tell me your name and maybe tell me to fuck off for being a bitch."

"Can I just do the telling you to fuck off part?" I asked.

"But then what name will I write in my diary when I'm cursing you out?" She joked.

Somehow that terrible feeling inside me eased slightly.

"Adam." I told her.

"I'm guessing you know the little red headed?" She gestured to Callum who was chatting with Jake and Evan.

"Yeah he's a good guy." I nodded.

If I was a nicer person I'd tell her not to bother because one Cal was very much in love and two very gay. But I didn't need to be nice. It felt good to meet someone and not have to try to bite my tongue. There was no censoring needed.

"Wish me luck." She pushed off the table and went to walk over but stopped after a step and turned back to me. "Just some advice, smile a little bit. Your friend over there seems to be trying to babysit you and so far he's less than impressed by your performance tonight."

"I haven't even done anything." I argued as if it was Jake in front of me with that look he always gave me when I was an ass.

"Didn't say you did but Connor looked like a kicked puppy when you pretty much ran away from him so I'd say you still have some work to do."

And again I felt like kicking myself for not being able to put on the smile and fight through the panic in my chest. I'd failed even without saying anything bad. I'd tried to be friendly and say the right words and still I'd failed.

I let that thought sit with me as I took a large sip of my beer. Maybe that would be enough to make myself feel like me again.