Every Part Of Us

25. Destruction

There was a scream lodged in my throat. I could feel it fighting its way out.

All I needed to see was the empty room around me and I finally let it out.

I let it all out.

I gripped my hair tightly as the panic took over. I'd ruined it all and now I didn't know what hope I had left.

This thing with Reid was supposed to be that hope. I'd felt something different with him. After I couldn't feel much at all, being able to feel something felt like I'd won the lottery. And yet here I was alone and just as broken as before.

Hope was fucking pointless.

I didn't know what I had been thinking when I started this. Nothing would ever change, I wasn't going to change.

I was broken.

I'd always been broken.

I didn't know if I'd ever come back to my body after Reid left but right now I knew I was somewhere else. I was fucking lost. I was nothing and nobody.

I felt like those tiny little unrecognizable broken shards I wanted to turn myself into. I wasn't in my body so I had no control as it moved.

I wasn't in control as my body let the panic seep in and lash out over and over again. My hands grabbed at anything they could reach as they destroyed.

I ruined it all and that feeling seemed to flood out of me. I grabbed whatever I could and threw it and broke it.

There was a ringing or a screaming or something exploding in my ears. I couldn't hear anything over it as my body kept moving.

I heard nothing. I knew nothing. I was nothing.

I had nothing left so I just kept breaking.

And breaking.

And breaking.

I left ruin all around me until I was nothing and I truly had nothing left. I want it all to be nothing.

My body moved to grab one more thing, just one.

And just like it started, it all just stopped.

I couldn't move. My body was frozen and it took ten rapid poundings against the inside of my chest to realize I wasn't actually frozen.

I was pinned.

There were hands wrapped tight around both my wrists, my back was pressed against a wall.

"Adam." The word was almost foreign as it broke through the loudness in my ears.

"Adam." It was repeated.

"Adam please stop." I blinked again not even understanding what was being asked of me.

Stop what? What was I doing?

I wanted to fight, to push my way through whatever was holding me back.

I blinked again.

It wasn't just a voice. There was a familiar face staring right back at me.

"Dad." My voice was hoarse and it was barely a thought but the loudness in my ears was probably screaming I hadn't realized I was doing.

"I need you to calm your body." He moved one of my hands so that it was pressed to his chest.

I could feel the soft pounding of his heart. I tried to focus the best I could on the rhythm beneath my fingers.

I wanted to scream again. To tell him I was calm, to tell him I was back in my body and not a threat.

"Can you breathe with me?" He asked.

I didn't try to say anything I just nodded my head slightly. I'm glad he wasn't waiting for a verbal response. I did everything I could to just listen to what he was saying to follow as he told me how to breathe again.

I didn't know how long it took but I felt my dads grip finally loosen.

"Can I let you go?" He asked me.

"Yeah." I pushed the word out.

I felt some tiny part of myself, at least whatever was left fit right back into my body. I could see my dad standing there in front of me. And now as I was more present in myself I could see beyond the shield in front of me.

It was all destruction. It looked like a tornado had swept through my room. Most of my things had been thrown to the floor, half of it broken or torn to pieces.

There was utter silence as I cataloged everything. I scanned the destruction first and then I turned in inward and scanned my body. I could feel myself shaking still and there was still a tightness in my chest that was making it hard to breathe.

I recognized those two things, that was familiar to me. All those bursts of panic I'd had left me feeling like this. I just didn't think my burst of panic would cause all this. I didn't know this was what my hands were capable of.

"Adam look at me." My dad said and I let my eyes move from the mess of my room back to him. "Just keep breathing, all these things can be fixed or replaced so don't worry about it."

I let my brain latch onto that word.

Fixed.

Maybe all these things I'd destroyed could be fixed but I couldn't.

I didn't know how to fix myself.

But even with that I felt myself return to my body with each breath. I felt the tightness start to loosen and my hands finally stilled. I felt semi put back together again. That was probably the best I was going to get.

"How'd you know how to do that?" I questioned.

I didn't even know how to calm myself back down from where I was and my dad walked in and did it with such ease.

"You used to get panic attacks like this when you were younger. I'd have to just hold you until you calmed down just so you wouldn't end up hurting yourself." He explained.

I didn't really remember them being like what I had today but I knew that anxiety and that panic like it was my best friend. It had walked by my side all my life and there wasn't any escape.

"I don't remember that." I admitted.

"Yeah and then I'd make you some tea and it'd calm you right down." He walked towards my bedroom door opening it.

When he turned I realized he wanted me to follow and so that's what I did. I knew what was coming even as he led me to the kitchen and started to heat some water.

It wasn't going to solve anything but being here with my dad made me feel like I'd be okay even if it was just for a few minutes.

A/n:

I'm sick... again. I feel like I've been sick nonstop for months now. Once I'm starting to feel better I just get sick again. But I took the day off of work so hopefully I'll start to feel better and get some rest over the weekend.

Anyways I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! This was a hard chapter to write, as someone who deals with panic attacks and anxiety I wanted to be able to put some of my own feelings and experiences into this book and Adam's character. He is a huge reflection of myself in so many ways. So be nice please.

-Cora Leigh