Every Part Of Us

26. Freaked out

"Your dad wasn't kidding about the mess."

I turned my head to see my best friend leaning in the doorway racking his eyes over the disaster of my room. After tea with my dad I was feeling better and went to try to clean some of this shit up. I'd barely made any progress when Jake showed up.

"Are you just going to stand there or are you going to help me?" I asked.

Jake fully stepped into my room doing another scan of my room. Thankfully he didn't ask any questions. I knew Jake wouldn't try to push if I wasn't ready to talk about it. Part of me wanted to just spill it all and get his advice. But there was that other part of me that didn't even know where to start, that didn't know if I was ready to finally drop that wall and let someone see what was behind it.

It felt impossible to find the words for all the feelings in me. Those feelings that I'd done everything I could to push down over the years. Jake, having known me most of my life, seemed to understand this part of myself. He just nodded and went to work to help me start to clean my mess.

With Jake helping, my room will probably look better than it did before I went through it like a natural disaster.

We worked in silence. Jake just worked along side me without any questions. He showed up when I needed it and it was times like this that I wondered what I did to deserve a friend like him.

"I broke things off with Reid." I told him breaking the silence.

Jake just turned to look at me for a second seeming to try to read something on my face. I didn't know what he was looking for but I watched as he studied me before deciding what to say next.

"You want to talk about it?" He questioned.

I let myself try to decide. I didn't know how much I wanted to share. I knew Jake would be the one to really understand and not judge anything I said. If I needed someone to listen, Jake was that guy. But I wasn't sure if I was really ready for that. I was scared that if I finally said the words out loud it'd make it into some real.

I'd lose the ability to try to hide that part of myself away.

"I don't know if it was the right decision. I really like him but I kinda just freaked out." It was the most truth I could give at the moment.

"Kinda?" Jake looked over my room again.

"Ok fine I freaked out a lot." I rolled my eyes.

Jake just nodded and still he didn't push for me to say anything more. He didn't ask anything else and let me try to figure out how much I wanted to share.

"It's okay to freak out sometimes. Feelings are confusing and scary, you're not the first to run from that." Jake said after a few beats of silence.

I knew freaking out over feelings wasn't totally crazy. Evan had done the same thing. He'd ran as fast as he could when he caught feelings for Jake. But this was different. I couldn't just turn around and make amends. I couldn't give Reid what he wanted and that wasn't going to change with a few apologies.

I didn't know if Jake was really the person to understand this feeling in me. I'd seen enough of Jake and Evan's relationship to know sex was a very healthy part of it. But Jake was also my best friend and if anyone would be able to understand me it was him. He was the person that knew me the best.

"I don't think I want to have sex." I told him, finally saying the words out loud.

"I don't think I want to have sex with you either." Jake tried his best to keep the massive smile off his face.

"You're such a jerk." I kicked him shaking my head.

"You do know that sex doesn't have to be a part of your relationships. You can date someone and not have sex with them. Your relationship is yours, it can look however you want it to look." Jake offered finally being serious.

"I can't ask him to give that up. He wanted to keep going, to take that next step. How can I tell him that I might never be able to do that with him?"

"Maybe Reid isn't willing to give up sex. Maybe that's a big part of relationships for him. Maybe you were right to end things. But you don't actually know any of that. You made the decision for him without even asking him what he really wanted."

I knew Jake was right. I knew I should have allowed Reid to make the choice for himself. To just tell him that I didn't want to have sex and let him decide if what we were doing was enough for him. But even still it was hard to accept that anyone would take what I could give them and it be enough. I'd already allowed the rejection to echo in my brain. I had prepared myself for it even before it happened.

I couldn't see any other outcome.

"Can I say something?" Jake asked as I sat there letting my brain spin out some more.

I just nodded.

"I've never wanted to push or try to force myself into your business. I've watched you try to figure out your feelings for years. I don't want to tell you who you are or try to slap a label on you that you're not comfortable with. But I really think it might be helpful to read about asexuality. It might help put words to some of these feelings."

I let all his words settle in my brain. I let myself digest it. I'd never tried to put a label on myself. Even when I realized I had feelings for Reid. I knew that meant I wasn't straight but I didn't feel the need to try to throw a different label on me. I was just Adam and I liked a boy. That was all I needed to know.

I never bothered to read up on any of the other sexualities. I'd heard of asexuality but I didn't really know what it was. I knew there was a lot I still didn't know or really understand.

"What is it?" I asked.

"It's someone who doesn't experience sexual attraction."

The words felt like ice. It felt like my world tipping slightly. There was a word, something I could use to explain whatever was wrong with me.

But maybe there wasn't anything wrong or broken. I was just different. I felt my fingers already itching to look it up.

I had some research to do.

"Thank you." I didn't need to say anything more than that and Jake seemed to understand exactly what he'd just given me.

A/n:

Sorry I had to miss last week. Unfortunately I got sick again but I'm starting to feel better now and hopefully will get back to writing more frequently.

Hopefully you all enjoyed this chapter!!

-Cora Leigh