Every Part Of Us

13. Forgive and forget

Reid POV:

I was never really good at leaving. Walking away, even when I knew it was temporary was a fight every time. Today I didn't have the energy for a fight.

I let myself stay. Even when I knew I shouldn't. Connor's house was my safe place some days. It was an escape when I didn't know where else to go. I didn't want to leave that but Connor had crashed in the middle of his show and I took that as my cue to leave.

But I couldn't leave. I didn't want to. So that was how I ended up sitting on his front steps letting my mind spin as far as it could.

"Want some company?"

I turned my body at the sound of the voice. I hadn't heard the door opening but Adam stood in the doorway looking down at me. Part of me had wanted this. Had hoped that somehow I'd find myself here, alone with Adam. It was a surprise to see him at Connor's house. I'd wanted to talk to him, ask him so many questions but it never felt like a good time with Jet and Connor listening to every word.

But now we were alone and I had my chance. Seeing him in person was so much different from the texts and calls we'd shared over the last weeks.

"Sure." I nodded moving over a little to make space for him on the step next to me.

"I thought you left a half an hour ago." He spoke.

I hadn't even realized how long I'd been sitting out here. He could have said it had only been five minutes and I'd believe him.

"I didn't want to go home." I shrugged.

It felt stupid to say. It felt stupid to have let everything get to a point where I hesitated to go home some nights. My home, the place that'd always been my safe spot.

What had I done to let things get to this place?

"Are things that bad with Ronan?" Adam asked

He must have moved closer because I could feel the warmth from him all the way up my arm. I had to do everything I could to resist leaning in and letting my body press against his.

"I don't know, we still aren't talking much. I just feel so stupid sometimes for being mad at him. He's my brother and I should forgive him because he's done so much for me. But still he's my brother and I just want him to act like it." I unloaded the truth letting it sit between us.

"You shouldn't feel stupid for how you feel." He said.

I turned to look at him closer and Adam's face was zoned out. I could practically see him starting to retreat into himself. Whatever was going on in his head was sucking him in and I wanted to reach out and pull him back. I wanted to know what was happening in that head of his.

I didn't know how to do that but I did the best I could.

"I miss football." I blurted out not wanting the silence to spread between us.

"What?" Adam just blinked at me, all that life returning to his eyes.

"I've been thinking about things I've missed lately and I miss playing football. I played in high school with Connor but I haven't played since my senior year."

Sometimes it was hard to tell if I actually missed the sport or just how things were when I was playing. My life had been better then and when all of that changed I walked away from football.

"You didn't play in college at all?" Adam questioned.

"It was something I'd done with Connor and when we'd stopped talking it didn't feel right. Then by the time I even thought about wanting to get back on the field Ronan had broken up with Tiffany and I'd dropped everything to pick up extra shifts and hold myself together."

"Have you ever asked him about the break up?"

"I tried once and he totally shut me down. He can barely hear me say her name without flinching. Ronan doesn't talk to me and when it comes to Tiffany he won't budge. The only thing I know about their break up is the little that Tiff told me and even she wouldn't say much. I just wish that I knew what went wrong, it's been two years and all I want is to just fix it or go back in time so I'd have my family back." I confessed.

Ronan was my brother but still I felt like we were so disconnected. It was hard to admit how much I didn't know about him, how much he still kept from me. I didn't push when it came to tiff but there was so much else. His relationship with our dad, I knew it wasn't good but Ro never said more than that. Every time I'd brought him up Ronan shut down and Tiffany had been there to mediate and changed the topic.

Sometimes I felt like I didn't know my brother at all and that scared me.

I suddenly felt like I needed to change the subject. I didn't think I could handle letting my mind go further down this hole. If I thought about my relationship with Ronan any more my brain would twist it up until it was ugly and unfixable.

"Tell me something." I pleaded.

Adam seemed to sense my need and happily let me change the subject.

"I'm trying fix things with Connor. That's why I was lingering in the hallway. I feel like I'm failing miserably and I feel guilty for not being able to do better. I want to just forgive and forget because he's my friend and I thought if I showed up everything would be fixed, turns out I suck at one on one interactions just as much as I suck at group interactions."

I'd noticed Adam's struggles during Connor's grad party. The avoiding me all evening had been a sign of his lack of social abilities. But then I'd spent time with him one on one and there were moments I saw that tension but he seemed more at ease this way. Even tonight I'd watched him relaxed one second and then as conversation picked up I'd watched as he shrunk back and tension filled his frame.

"You shouldn't feel guilty. I don't think even Connor is expecting you to forgive and forget." I told him.

"You did, you just forgave him like it was nothing."

I'd learned in a short amount of time to not take any of Adam's words too harshly. He was blunt and usually said things without thinking first.

"Just because I forgave him for what he did to me doesn't mean you need to forgive him for what he did to you. It's two different situations and you won't get anywhere if you keep comparing yourself to everyone else."

I watched as he relaxed slightly like he needed to hear those words. He extended his hand towards me in a small hesitant move and I didn't even take a second before I moved my own hand. I let my hand slide into his, our fingers interlocking like we'd done this a million times before.

It felt natural and because it felt so easy to just be here with him I leaned in. I let my body lean until my shoulder rested against his, until I could feel his warmth right against my side.

"Thank you." He said quietly.

I didn't know exactly what he was thanking me for but I felt myself smile as we sat there pressed together. I didn't know what was going to happen next but I was happy to just sit here like this as we bounced from topic to topic until we both got too tired to keep talking.

This was all I had wanted, all I had needed.

A/n:

Just as I got into writing a bunch, I got sick. It's been pretty awful but I have a long weekend this weekend so I'm going to take the time to recover and hopefully have the energy to do some writing.

Also I mentioned a fourth book to the series and I do still want to write that. It would be my first sapphic book and I really want to write that. However I've also been planning out a new college romance that would be totally separate from crossing lines. It would be a second chance romance between a sunshine guy and his obsessed ex boyfriend.

I haven't decided which one I want to put my time in to start planning more. I do hope to be able to write both but I know I can only write one at this time. I obviously have some time to decide since I'm still working on this book but I want to try to get an outline of my next story done by the time this book is over. And sometimes my outlines take awhile because I'm indecisive as fuck.

Anyways sorry for my ramblings, I hope you enjoyed this chapter!
-Cora Leigh