look after you × winterwidow & oc

VII. trust

Natasha's arm fled to her throat as she started coughing, still on the floor. Her whole neck hurt and she already knew it would get even worse later. God, she'll have bruises for sure. After the first shock passed, she slowly sat up, supporting herself with the other arm. She wiped away the single tear and coughed once more, before looking at him.

She thought earlier that the sight of him, while he talked about not remembering was heartbreaking. Yet it had nothing on the way he looked then.

There was anger, shame, and disgust, all at once pouring out of him. All directed at himself. It seemed almost impossible that one can hate themselves so much as Barnes did at that moment. Something outside lit up the room for a moment long enough that Natasha could notice that his eyes were red. But he didn't cry. He pulled his knees up to his chest, tried to hide in that corner, and blend into the wall, like a terrified child, not a grown man.

And what she couldn't notice was how close James was to start clawing at the line where metal met the flesh and adding even more scars to his shoulder. How much he wished he could rip that thing off. But ripping the arm off wouldn't be enough. At that moment he dreamt of getting his heart ripped out. If it was still there. He sometimes doubted it.

After a short mental debate, Natasha started to move. She didn't fully stand up, she was almost crawling, closing the distance between them.

She stopped when James spoke up. "Don't. Don't come closer."

She did what he asked. She stopped a few feet away from him.

"I knew it would end like this." his voice was quavering. "You shouldn't have stayed here. It's not safe. I don't want to hurt you again."

Natasha swallowed, carefully choosing her words next words. She didn't want to push him or say anything that might sound like she was blaming him. She kept her gaze on his face, but he kept avoiding hers. Too ashamed to even look her in the eyes.

"You won't hurt me," she said, staying in place.

"You don't know that, you can't be sure." he didn't look at her.

"I never said I am." she tilted her head, trying to catch his gaze. "But I choose to believe that you won't."

"How can you say that?" his voice was unsteady.

"Because I trust you."

James caught Natasha off guard by letting out a dry laugh. "I've almost killed you."

He shook his head slowly and swallowed. His gaze fell down from the wall to his arms.

She kept quiet for a moment. The pain in her neck was starting to change already.

"Do you want me to go?" she asked softly. He finally looked at her for a split second before returning his gaze to the floor. He didn't answer. "It's your choice. If you'll feel better if I go, just say one word and I'll be gone.

He opened his mouth but didn't say anything. Their eyes met this time for a little while longer. Looking at her and being aware that he hurt her again was torture. Yet imagining her gone... That was even more pain and heartbreak. And maybe that was selfish. He knew that she would be safer and better off without him. Over the last years, he brought her nothing but trouble. But in that few hours, he brought him more comfort and relief from his demons than he felt in years.

"Do you want me to leave?" she repeated her question.

But he didn't want her to go. He didn't want to be alone. So he shook his head.

"Can I come closer?" her voice was almost a whisper. So gentle, like she was talking to a child. Somehow he didn't hate it. It radiated comfort and a sense of security, like everything she did for him that day. Something he missed dearly.