look after you × winterwidow & oc

II. american dream

since no one replied to my question under the previous chapter about the preferred lenght, the chapters are going to vary - the last one was 4k, this one is almost 8k, and so on.

[selected entries from a journal of Katya Romanoff - Barnes, january 2019 - december 2019]

January 9th, 2019

Morgan's here. She's amazing, Pepper's doing fine too. It was the first time I'd seen Tony cry, he's so happy, I've given them a moment alone now, so I'm writing.

I got an update on Clint a few days ago. Rhodey says he's been in South America at least for the past few weeks, Columbia recently. I'm worried sick. I wish I could contact him at least, because there's no way Tony would let me go after him. But on the other hand, since he's been gone for so long and hasn't reached out, it's obvious he doesn't want contact. I just hope he's fine and wonder sometimes how it would've been if he stayed around and I ended up with him instead of Tony and Pepper. I don't know why I didn't do that sooner, but I asked Rhodey to look for Yelena and Melina too. He hadn't found anything yet. I expected that. They're spies, after all, they are supposed to be hard to find.

Anyway, I wish you could meet Morgan, I've known her for two hours but I feel like I would already go through fire for her. I guess that's how you felt about me. I get it now, and it's not even my kid. I'm so sorry for every time I got mad at you for trying to protect me. I miss you.

January 18th, 2019

My nightmares are back and getting worse. I woke everyone this time with my screaming before I woke up myself. Tony offered to talk about it. I refused, but I agreed to drink hot chocolate with Tony. I'm glad he doesn't push. I still see the same things. The Red Room, the beginning and the fall down, but I'm killing people I know. I don't know what I could do with this if there's any way to stop it. You would've known what to do. I miss you.

February 23rd, 2019

Today is my birthday. I'm officially fifteen. It's the first one in years without you, Mama. And I still can't believe I only got to spend one with you, Papa. It's unfair. I miss you more today if that's even possible. Tony and Pepper made sure this day was great for me, despite having their hands full with a baby, they're trying their best, I know it. But no matter how hard they try, they will never be you. The cake Pepper made me was amazing but I would trade it for a one you bought or tried to make and failed miserably. Does that make me ungrateful? I don't want to be, I really don't, and I am grateful for everything they did for me, but I just can't help these thoughts. I wish-

Sorry, Tony just came and gave me one more birthday gift. I would've never even thought about it and yet it's the best thing I could've gotten, aside from getting you back. I got your dog tags, Papa. The other pair from the war. Tony got Rhodey to help, he pulled some strings. It's gonna sound weird I feel like you're closer to me, like I've got a piece of you with me. I doubt I'll ever take them off. I miss you.

March 2nd, 2019

It keeps getting worse. My nightmares. This night I pushed Tony across the room in my fucking sleep. I couldn't wake up, he tried to help me and I just... He fell into a mirror and the sound of it breaking woke me up. He's fine, he just has a scratch on his back but I know it could've ended so much worse. I am so fucked up. I don't know why they keep me around, how do they trust me with Morgan? I'm not sure I even trust myself at this point. I asked Tony for some restraints, but he refused at first, then he gave me a condition. He'll think about it if I agree to talk. I did. We'll talk tomorrow, I'll tell him the truth about the three-year-old forced to kill because she didn't know better. I'll tell him about the Red Room, about Hydra. I wonder if I'll still be living here today. I won't tell him that the last time the person I was aiming at was Pepper. I miss you so much.