look after you × winterwidow & oc

III. victim or a villain?

[selected entries from a journal of Katya Romanoff - Barnes, January 2020 - December 2020

January 11th, 2020

Oh my god, I just had a vision. I know, nothing new and it wasn't even anything spectacular, just an ordinary day, breakfast I think.

BUT YOU WERE THERE.

BOTH OF YOU.

And Papa, you had short hair, so weird.

But I see the future. You're gone. And I have no idea how to interpret that. Is there a way to undo this? Were we all wrong this whole time? I've got to tell someone.

I've told Pepper because Tony isn't home. And Pepper burst my bubble and destroyed all of my hopes. I see where's coming from, it all makes perfect sense. I was sure it was after I woke up or that it was the vision that woke me, but she suggested that it could've been just a dream. It could've just all merged together. I think she's right. But it felt so different, so... vision-like. Dreams don't feel like that.

Anyway, it felt good to feel hopeful even if just for a moment. You're gone and I don't think I'll ever make peace with it. But I've gotta stop forgetting about it. I will miss you more today.

February 23rd, 2020

I'm 16 today, it's my second birthday with Tony and Pepper, meaning I've already spent more birthdays with them than I ever did with you, Papa. With you, Mama I've got ten. Still not enough.

This year I've decided that instead of taking, I want to give. So I've been going around the city and doing random acts of kindness. I've paid for someone's coffee, and someone's groceries, bought a meal for a homeless man, helped an older lady to carry her groceries, and then walked her dog, stuff like that. I've been thinking of donating also. Tony gives me an allowance even though I keep saying I don't need that much money and there's no way I could spend it in a month so I might as well make use of it.

Since I'm sixteen, I can learn how to drive and Tony offered to teach me but Pepper said absolutely not, but she doesn't want to teach me either so Happy will do it probably. I don't have the heart to tell them that I would rather learn to ride a motorcycle instead of a car. I'm scared to even mention it, since knowing Tony, he will already have bought one by the time I finish my sentence.

But the biggest surprise of today is that Rocket sent me wishes and said that he'll come soon to outplay me in cards again. I've checked like six times to make sure it was really from him. I'm getting birthday wishes from not-a-raccoon. The world's ending.

Miss you.

March 10th, 2020

Happy Birthday, Papa. You're old, you know that, right? 103, wow. The cupcakes are a tradition at this point. Miss you.

April 18th, 2020

It's been two years. I've had an interesting talk with Tony today. I'm not sure how it even started, it just came up when we were making dinner, maybe the anniversary made me think about it. About a lot of things. You, me, him. First I asked why he decided to take me and from it came the other question - could he forgive you two if the Blip never happened and you were still here? I don't know what answer I expected, I had nothing specific in my head, but he still surprised me.

Katya closed the fridge door with her leg, having her hands full with ingredients for dinner. She moved to the kitchen island, dropped everything there, and started separating it all. She put the vegetables in the sink, so she would remember to wash them, the meat in the middle,on a cutting board and the wraps aside for later.