look after you × winterwidow & oc

I. i'm so sorry

[selected entries from a journal of Katya Romanoff-Barnes, may 2018 - december 2018]

May 5th, 2018

It's been 3 weeks since I lost you. Since you disappeared right before my eyes. Should I say since you died? This sounds so wrong, so out of place. You're not dead, you're just gone. I have no idea if that's better or worse. All I know is that I miss you. I miss you both so much it hurts. I left Wakanda, I couldn't stay there. Even if the rest would have let me, I don't think I would be able to stay there alone. In our house, a place that reminds me only of you.

I'm at the Compound now, I barely leave my room, today was actually the first time I did that voluntarily. I don't know how long I'll be staying here, I don't know what's going to happen to me now.

There aren't many people here. Me, Steve, Thor, Rhodey, Bruce, Rocket, Tony who just came back from space after three weeks by the way, the woman who saved him, Carol, and Nebula, an alien that was trapped with Tony. I tried reaching Clint and Laura, but no one was picking up so asked Rhodey for help. He couldn't find anything, at least not yet so for now we're assuming the worst.

The rest aside from Tony went to look for Thanos. There's no point in this, it won't change anything. Yeah, my visions are back and with Shuri gone, I'll have to learn with them again.

Tony is in bad shape, but he gave me the idea of writing. I was skeptical but it's getting easier. I made him cookies earlier, I talked to Pepper and I even felt better for a moment, but now I'm wondering again, why couldn't I disappear too? From all people, why did I have to stay? I'm sure a ton of people would gladly trade with me if it was possible.

I miss you both so much.

May 29th, 2018

Everyone is leaving. Not that I mind or something but I feel like everyone's trying to move on or just does it and I'm stuck. Rocket and Nebula left first, they went together and Carol followed suit. All three of them are needed in other places, after all the whole universe was affected, not only Earth. Then Thor left, I have no idea where he went. Bruce soon after him. Steve was never around much, always coming and going, trying to make himself useful since the start but I don't think he's coming back this time.

So it's just Tony and Pepper since they live here, and me but I think I'm a guest at best. They don't seem to mind me. Last week or maybe it was two already, I overheard Tony talking with Rhodey, trying to decide what to do with me. I'm staying at the Compound for now, I think they're trying to organize some documents for me since I technically don't exist as myself in the States. Nothing in the way anymore, with Hydra and the Red Room gone, I don't think I'm in danger anymore.

Tony is much better now but still doesn't seem quite right yet. I barely know him but from what you told me about him, Mama, he used to be different. I think he's blaming himself. I've heard him talk about Peter to Pepper once. I've never met him and honestly, no idea who he was. Speaking of Pepper, she's nice too, seems to like spending time with me, and I don't think she's just being polite. We've cooked together twice this week. They are not asking about you. I'm okay with it. I'm not ready to talk yet. Hurts too much. I miss you.

June 13th, 2018

Rhodey found Clint. Turns out he survived, the rest didn't. Laura, Lila, Cooper, and Nate. God, it's so fucked up. I can't believe it. Rhodey doesn't want to tell me much, all I know is that he's been last seen in Mexico and Rhodey said something about going off the rails, whatever that could mean. It doesn't sound like Clint. I'm worried. Looks like he's the only person I have left and I won't lie, it hurts that he didn't reach out and I doubt he will, meaning he doesn't care. Maybe he thinks I'm gone too? I wish. Also with Clint out of the question, Tony and Pepper became my legal guardians. I don't think I need that, but whatever, right?