look after you × winterwidow & oc

III. dreykov's dead

A flock of pigeons took flight as Natasha entered the tenement's courtyard with Katya hot on her heels. For either of them, it felt strange to be back there even though Budapest had great significance for both. It was their finish and starting line at the same time. One chapter, the past, came to an end there and another one began. In this place, they were given a chance for a different life, a new beginning.

Natasha never thought she would ever go back there, let alone with Katya at her side. In the aftermath of the encounter on the bridge, at first, the girl seemed unbothered like it didn't have any effect on her but Romanoff quickly realized that it was just shock, adrenaline, and bits of her past talking. As time passed, she started to close off, like after the vision she had back at the trailer.

Even though fighting came to Katya with ease, Natasha didn't want it to be necessary for her. It was one of the few remains of her initial purpose, just like all her abilities, a reminder of what she was supposed to become. A part of her that would probably always stick around, but Romanoff fought so hard to keep her safe and as far from it as she could, praying she would never find herself in a situation when reaching to these parts of herself would be her only way out.

And yet it happened in Norway and Natasha felt like fate was laughing in her face. Like everything she ever did to protect Katya, to separate this side of the girl from what she became during these years ever since they got out, was all for nothing. It was a reminder that no matter how hard she tries, some damage can't be undone.

God forbid, she never thought of Katya as broken. No, she was far from it. She was strong and fierce, had the most beautiful soul, even if there were a few cracks. She was steadfast, in a way that no matter how strongly people tried to take all of that from her, she never let go. She always kept her heart and didn't let them take what made her uniquely her. She proved them all wrong and became the opposite of what they wanted her to be. Kind, instead of cruel. Gentle, rather than brutal. Where there should be no remorse and indifference, was a desire to be kind and simply a good person.

Yet under all of that or maybe even simultaneously with it, back on that bridge, Natasha saw something else. How all of that care and urge to protect, matched with these almost primal instincts they planted in her. All these contradicting values found a way to work together, coexist even. When without hesitation Katya threw herself at the one that attacked them, just to help Natasha. She did it with a good purpose, to protect. But it shouldn't be her job. It shouldn't be her first thought. She was just a child. But back then, watching her fight, Natasha knew. It was all still there. The intention was different, yet the conditioning to never back down, to fight instead of flee, was there.

Natasha didn't frighten easily, but somehow that thought, the realization, and awareness, that no matter how hard she tries, there will always be things that she won't be able to get rid of, that send a chill down her spine and gave her that nauseating sense of failure. She knew she did a lot anyway. She had help, Laura and Clint contributed to that heavily, maybe in some aspects even more than Natasha herself.

The difference between Katya that left Budapest eight years earlier and Katya that stood next to her in the elevator then was so enormous, that it was sometimes hard to wrap your mind around it. She was almost mute back then, saying few sentences a day, usually, just single words unless she entered the so-called survival mode, activated by a sense of danger. Almost a decade later, when around safe and trusted people, talking was one of her favorite activities.

Natasha still remembered the night Katya broke one of the Red Room habits, which was chaining the girls to beds with handcuffs. They started with her when she was about three and these few months, not even a full year was enough to form a habit so strong, that it took almost two years to break it. For Romanoff herself, it took much longer, but succeeding with the girl, had a great impact on her.