Don't Stay, Don't Go (Ben Drowned Love Story)

Ch. 35

"Ok, sorry. But really there's no way you could scare us."
"Don't be so sure. I always find a way. And I'm clingy."
"Well were clingy too."
It looks more and more like there's a hope, a match in the dark, a light at the end if the tunnel... And I can't stand it. I hate having my expectations crushed, so if I expect the likely outcome, how can I hurt myself?
"If you make sure that he can't here this, I will be one hundred percent honest with you Tim." I bargain. It's not like we can't hear the pounding at the door, or Ben's voice threatening to kick it down.
"Alright, I'll get him out of here. Just stay put ok?" He sighs, stands up, and walks toward the door. I scamper into the closet, making sure Ben can't see me. I must be a huge stupid mess.
I must have stupid red eyes, and look like I've been crying. No one looks good when they cry. I probably look shaky, and weak.
Normally I'm always happy and full of smiles, but whenever I hurt myself I go expressionless. How bad is it that I feel sad right now? Even with Gus, I just felt stupid for acting so controlling and unfeeling. But feeling sorry? Never. It's always the absolute most or absolutely nothing. Most of the time it's absolutely nothing. And I'm fine with that most of the time, because I expect it. And I was expecting it now, so why am I such a mess?
Tim walks back in, I can hear his large foot falls and the click of the door locking once again. Slowly, I creep out of his closet and lay down on the floor, starring at the ceiling.
"He won't be back for a long time..." Tim assures me.
"Go ahead then, ask whatever you want. Answering questions always helps I guess." I sound so tired, so weak. Like another side of me has opened up, a weak side of me that I have to bully to keep down.
"Oh, umm. I thought you were just going to tell me anything."
"Alright." I sigh. "Once apon a time there was a boy. Lets call this boy Evan. Evan was a daddy's boy, and never had a girlfriend. Anyone he crushed on was always way to old for him anyways. Then one day at school he realized he liked his friend. Lets call her... Regina, I guess. He told his friend Lance and Lance told him to tell Regina. So the next morning on the bus Evan told her. And at first Regina seamed to like Evan, but then she didn't. Evan felt numb for a little while, but that passed in time. Instead of wasting his efforts on Regina, he found someone else he had a chance with. Her name will be Bella. Bella was strange and magical, and Evan liked the way she grabbed his hand to drag him places. Soon enough Bella was taking Evan to her house every day to hang out. Then one day, Bella's friend, Tina, accidentally told Bella that Evan liked her. Evan thought Bella would hate him like everyone else. So he told Bella he hated her, and that he didn't want to see her ever again. Then Evan turned into a pussy and cried in Tina's room, trying to justify his actions to himself although he knew there was no reason to get upset. He didn't even let Bella tell him how she felt about him. When Tina asked what was wrong he knew the answer was simple. He acted out when he had no reason to. But he lied and beat himself up over being weak." By now my voice is getting higher and I hate it. I hate how impossibly feeble I sound.