Ad Astra

Chapter 35

For the next few days, I keep my distance from Asteria as much as physically possible. I dress her each morning, accompany her to meals, and provide whatever other services she needs, but I do not share her bed at night, nor do I take time out of my day to see her more than necessary. Our kisses, though still active, are short and chaste, and I have not held her in my arms since that last night in Magewell. I am sure Asteria must notice the difference, but she does not question my distance, which admittedly only hurts me more.

In the midst of loneliness, I remind myself why I am doing this. It is not so much my lack of feelings for Asteria that is causing this behavior, but rather my fear of her disappointment when she eventually learns how I have lied to her and betrayed her. Now having seen what transpires in the war strategy room in Magewell, I can no longer go on ignoring the pleas of my country to indulge in my silly romance. My priority, first and foremost, should have always been Landiani.

At least, that's what I tell myself.

I dress Asteria one morning as usual, picking out a flowing blue gown that will not be too heavy in the heat of summer. It has been about a week now since our return from Magewell, and a smile is finally returning to her face. She twirls around in it, admiring its motion, and looks at herself in the mirror, satisfied. Her face has more color these days, and her eyes, once dulled by her father's words in Magewell, have become that vibrant shade of blue I have always loved about her. It makes me want to reach out and kiss her, but I hold back, merely witnessing her joy instead.

"I like this choice today," Asteria says.

"I hoped you would," I respond. It is not my place to bring this up, especially given how I am trying to maintain a distance between us, but the words escape my lips anyway. "You seem more joyous today. I'm glad."

"I think I am finally feeling back home and settled," Asteria responds. "Finally, I'm away from my father and brother. Perhaps Esterpool is not my favorite, but especially after spending nearly a week away in Magewell, I have come to grow fond of it."

"I'm happy to hear," I respond.

Asteria turns to me, her eyes glimmering with hope. "Fe, let's go walk in the garden today," she suggests.

I open my mouth, ready to accept, but then I shut it again and lower my gaze down to the ground.

"I don't think I can accompany you today, Asteria. I have more chores than normal," I say, a result of my own actions. I have been spending time more time with Maria to avoid Asteria, and as a result, I have neglected many of my duties.

"Oh," Asteria says. I hate that I hear sorrow in her tone.

"But...tomorrow maybe?" I suggest. I grab onto her arm and lean forward to kiss her. Though I long to wring my hands around her neck and weave my fingers through our hair as our lips meet, I press my lips to her for only a second before pulling away.

"Yes," Asteria agrees, her tone of voice dull once more. "Tomorrow may work. Let's go to breakfast, then."

Guilt fills my stomach. I bite my lower lip. "Actually, Alba wanted to take you to breakfast today. But I will see you later."

This time it is obvious there is hurt reflecting in Asteria's eyes, but she does not question me. Instead, she merely nods.

"Yes, I suppose it's been awhile since I dined with Alba. Take care then to get your chores done. I would love to spend some time with you soon," Asteria says.

I nod, knowing I will not be able to keep my promise.

We part shortly thereafter without even an embrace, and though it pains me as I walk away from her after accompanying her to the dining room, I know it is for the best.