Random Barnaby Oneshots (A Wattpad Fanfiction)

haunted

Mild gore and death warning. Reader discretion is advised.

I do tend to get lonely sometimes, but whenever new guests arrive at my humble abode, I want to make them feel welcome. I glance at myself through the mirror, my swirling orange eyes and glowing mouth glowing. My purple bowtie was askew, and my gem was still shining brightly as if it was sunshine. I paced the floor, my black wings wrapped around me. My talons clicked on the marble floor as I sat myself down onto the couch, my black feathers slightly ruffled. I hooted to myself, scratching the back of my neck with an uncertainty about when the next party was going to be.

Then I hear the door open behind me. I twisted my neck so that I can see the ghost who entered. Then I relaxed. The newcomer was my adorable, adopted granddaughter Alison. Her swirling green eyes were focused on me. "Heyo, Grampy Barnaby!" She chirped, nuzzling me. Her black feathers glowed blue in the dim light, her green tongue hanging out.

*****

I met Alison after I tried to chase down the thief who stole my gem. I was flying in the daytime (big mistake, I know), and I was exhausted. Then I hear a voice call out, "Hey. You look tired." I glared at the speaker, but then realized she was right. I was fuming that the thief was helping me, but that was when I got a look at her. My beak nearly dropped out of shock.

I was staring at an color swapped  version of myself. Her feathers are black, but she was glowing blue. Her swirling green eyes were focused on me. Her blue bowtie spun at the sight of me, and her tweed jacket matched. "When did you join the afterlife and why do you look like me?" I questioned, hooting when I was done. My own magenta bowtie spun as I said that.

"I was killed by a Badnik that looked like you. A bully of mine shoved me into it. Her name is Emma Warren. I never had the opportunity to return it. I was planning on polishing it and returning it to you." Color Swapped Me replied, and she sounded like my thief. Her black feathers puffed out as she asked, "Now, you want to get back to your abode or not?" She sounded haughty.

"Please." I told her. I started at her strangely. There was something off about her. I couldn't place a talon on it. But then I came up with a good compromise. "I will kill whoever did this if you promise to be my granddaughter." I propose, my fruity voice hooting.

"You got yourself a granddaughter, Grampy Barnaby. Name is Alison." She introduced herself, helping me stand.

*****

"Oy! Grampy Barnaby!" Ali nudged me, being gentle.

I turn my swirling orange eyes at her, my grin getting wide. I hear the telltale sound of my door opening, followed by someone grumbling. I close my eyes and let my whole body fill the house with a purple mist that seeped into any open crevice. I peer around and saw a fat grubby hand grab at my wine. I bring myself to Alison's location and screeched, "Her AGAIN!?" I bet you are wondering who I'm talking about. All I can say is a rude British American. "How should we kill her this time, Alison?" I asked, racking my brains. To be honest, I already stabbed her six times, poisoned her twice and made her into a frappe. Then I hear a piano being played badly.

I grin, my new idea springing into action. I melted into purple mist, following the sound of the piano. Then I sliced myself in half while I was invisible. I know you are worried that I would die, dear reader, but I'm going to tell you that I have been dead for over 100 years. I allow my head to possess the chair and my body possessed the piano. I made that fat, white, British American bawd fall to the floor with a thud. She gawked, laughing, "I'm an atheist. Nice try, Turing!"

Then I hovered the piano directly over that fat body and let gravity do the work. The piano flipped upside down and I can hear bones crack. Then a liquid that is the same color as wine came trickling out from under the piano, which was pure white until I dropped it.

I turn to see Alison fly into the room, her swirling green eyes focused on the piano. I grin, then I decided to make this laughable. "So Alison. What happens if I have a piano, a pot of glue, a bawd, and a tuna?" I asked, tilting my head upside down and sticking my tongue out.

"Honestly, I don't know." She replied, seemingly confused by my joking nature.

"You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna." I replied, grinning. My tongue was out and my purple bowtie spun. Then I checked to make sure that I didn't stain my purple tweed jacket. It was still purple with no stains whatsoever.

Alison paused, then she cracked up. I cracked up with her, our hoots echoing. Then she calmed down and asked, "What about the bawd?" She didn't know what a bawd is.

"That's how you tuna piano!" I hooted.

She hooted too, then she asked, "Where does that pot of glue fit in, Barnaby?"

"I knew you'd get stuck there!" I cackled. Alison paused again, then she cracked up, hooting with me. Then we rubbed beaks together and continued getting ready for the party I was hosting. Alison is a lot of fun to have at parties. She is in charge of the games at the party for the younger ghosts. She usually hauls out Truth or Dare.

Heh, sorry for the dad joke. Not! I'm sorry, I honestly love you guys and thank you so much for reading and voting on this. No thanks whatsoever goes to Tommysimp18 for being a disgusting piece of work that inspired my antagonists.