Random Barnaby Oneshots (A Wattpad Fanfiction)

Grape Expectations

Trigger warning: death (Nothing graphic. Just a simple choking, hoo hoo hoo hoo). Reader discretion is advised.

Someone is entering my manor... again. I can hear their metal boots clunking on the floor and their disgusting breathing. I stretch my wings with a mighty (and silent) yawn, then I licked my beak because it is so dry. Oy vey (That is a cute little expression Ali says when she is exasperated beyond relief). I peek in on the new intruder from the ceiling. I half expected it to be that wench Emma, but I was pleasantly surprised to see a strange looking anime guy. I think it's from Dragon Ball Z. Hey, don't judge me. Ali dragged me aside after a successful party and introduced me to this. She said that it was the best thing since the concept of parties. I beg to differ.

Anyway, this weird man is very muscular. He put his hands on his hips and declared, "Cadet Puddie! Come out and face me like a man, you backstabber!" I raise an eyebrow. I don't know who Puddie is. But the way he sounded, he sounded like a little boy trying to impersonate a military man. His voice was deep but it sounded like some sort of strange artificial intelligence filter. I know some of you are going to say, "Barnaby, you should not know what anime or artificial intelligence is!" Riddle me this, silly mortal reading: If I don't know how technology works, then how do I have Twitter? Exactly. Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo! On with the story! I tilt my head at the stranger. "Cadet Puddie! You were my confidante! Now show your face!"

I appear in front of him. He was not looking where he was going anyways. He bumped into me. I stretch my neck down to meet his slitted eyes. Definitely not that wine swilling fool Emma Warren. "Oh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! You're alive! You're not dead at all!" I hoot excitedly.

"Indeed I am not dead. I am the Mighty, Amazing Captain Android 16!" He introduced himself. I can respect this guy.

I hear Ali hoot, "Grampy Barna-" Then she cut herself off with a murderous sounding, "You." I look at Ali. Her swirling green eyes are slits. Then she sang a cute little song at the intruder.

I realized that she had somehow made her voice sound like a computer chip as she sang this adorable little song. She swooped at the intruder with a laugh. Then she asked, her black feathers puffed with excitement, "May I do the honors this time, Grampy!? Please?" She made her eyes extra big and adorable.

I hoot, booping her beak gently, "How can I say no to a face as adorable as yours? Your turn to tell him the token fee!" I caress her feathers.

"That's why I use it! Oh-hoo hoo hoo hoo!" Then she looked at the weird Captain Android 16 guy with a face almost identical to mine.

"Token fee? I am a captain! I am exempt from token fees!" He tried to say like a man child, "I'm looking for Cadet Puddie!" He stomped on the floor and acted like a child. Ali and I hooted in laughter at this comical display of anger. "Do not anger me. You won't like me when I'm angry." He said rudely, crossing his arms as if he was the one in charge of this manor. Joke is on that silly mortal. I am the master of my beautiful manor. I take great pride in setting up my guests. Ali often adverts her gaze from the dinner table but I don't really know why. The Barnaboos who have agreed to have their bodies displayed don't mind.

Ali got really close by stretching her neck like a rubber band and told him, "There is one token fee to get into his party. The question remains..." She retracted herself with a smug grin. She continued, "Would you like to be stabbed?" She takes out a knife and I realized that she was copying me right down to the smallest facial movements. "Choked?" She strangled herself with a goofy grin. I realized that she is essentially my mini me. Right down to her mannerisms. "Crushed!?" She gathers her neck in her fist, then she peered at the captain with a goofy, lovable hooting laugh exactly like my own. "Oh! How about poison? Or arson?" She giggled as she presented the weird man child thing with a poisoned apple and a lighter.

"The mighty Captain Android 16 never dies." He told her in a posh, snooty tone. I groan. I wanted to protest that this isn't how higher authorities talk, but Ali silenced me with a cheeky wink. She blows out the lighter with a puff of air.

"Well, we can't have you in here looking like that!" She exclaimed in disgust. She poked the pompous weirdo in the side. "We can't have that pesky mortal body clinging to you like a leech! No, no, no! It just won't do! You look like some disgusting bloated thing." She drops her head and towers over this pompous weirdo. "Make your choice, Captain." She sounded deadly quiet.

That was when the man child realized that he was dealing with ghosts. Specifically, me and Ali. He started running, screaming. Ali flew ahead of him and grabbed a slingshot. I tilt my head at her, confused on what she is going to do. Then she grabbed a bunch of grapes and shot them at his face individually. One grape landed in his mouth. He started coughing, gagging and turning purple. He pounded his fist on his chest like some weird thing. Then he started dying, staring at Ali with a helpless stare. He mouthed, "Cadet Puddie?" right before shedding that hideous mortal coil. Then Ali immediately banned him from the premises.

"What was that about, Ali?" I ask, surprised and stunned.

"That was a former captain of mine who has basically used Wattpad as a means to puff his ego and gain himself a hero complex. He keeps targeting the same users and nothing got done about the users while he was playing hero with 'protecting the innocent' by basically breaking the one cardinal rule of the Internet: never interact with trolls." She explained, fluffing her feathers in indignition. She stroked her feathers. "He was no leader. He was a snake in the grass who pretended to be a hero. Tried to fake his death on Reddit. He did." She preened her wings (a stim of hers that I introduced her to). "That pompous jerk has hurt so many people. If only he followed that one cardinal rule. That captain had one thing that no leader should ever have: hubris." 

I can tell that Ali was getting increasingly agitated from this, so I nuzzled my head against her cheek, sticking my tongue out. She returned it with a gentle head nuzzle. Then we both got ready for bed since the party for today just ended. Ali and I both decide to wear matching green nightgowns despite the fact that we are ghosts that don't necessarily need sleep. Ali does it out of habit. I do it to recharge for my next party. I take one last glance into Ali's bedroom. Her eyes are closed, her eyelashes fluttering sleepily. I smile to myself. "Good night, my sweet little owlet." I said quietly before closing the door. I puff my feathers in pride. I glance out at the green night sky and thanked whichever angel sent me my granddaughter.

A few things I want to say. The first one is five thousand reads!? Holy crap. I'm honored and flattered by this happening. It somehow surpassed Sonicphobia and Airalain and the Mystery Twin. It even surpassed my oneshot book, Tales of STH Academy.

The second thing I want to say is that some of these oneshots may be fun to read, but they also serve as a heads up to bad people online. The people who are killed in these oneshots are actual trolls. Go read the second to last paragraph of this particular oneshot again. Alison basically says don't interact with trolls. No thanks whatsoever goes to AmazingCaptAndroid16 for targeting people who left his "report team" and basically doing nothing to make Wattpad a safer place.