Random Barnaby Oneshots (A Wattpad Fanfiction)

Billie Bust Up rules to go by

1. It's not funny to use shower thoughts on anyone, least of all, Barnaby. He can and will debate your shower thoughts for hours. He most likely has a doctorate (and he probably does. If a dev from the game comes here and comments... well, this just got awkward. Hi, I guess 😅).

2. Avoid using the term "flipping the bird" around Barnaby. It will not end well. Barnaby may be a ghost owl but he's definitely not stupid.

3. If Barnaby gives you a cup of tea, always waft it. If you catch a hint of almonds, do not drink it. On second thought, don't drink anything Barnaby offers you.

4. Don't boop Elaine. You have a high chance of losing an arm.

5. Stealing Dutch's candy won't end well. And don't offer him chocolate. Chocolate contains a chemical that's poisonous to dogs. I don't remember what it is. UPDATE: As of September 1, 2023, I found out exactly what kills dogs if you give them chocolate. It's theobromine and caffeine. So I'm going to add coffee to the list of things not to give Dutch.

6. Calling Billie a kid is scientifically accurate but she will protest.

7. No axolotl jokes towards Aristotle.

8. Don't refer to looking for ways to push up daisies as "an attempt to catch Barnaby's attention."

9. Don't call Sharkspeare "fin soup." That will anger Fantoccio. Same goes for referring to his pet shark as seafood. You will get fed to Sharkespeare if you do that.

10. "How do you leave a ghost in suspense?" is not funny to Barnaby and will give you a proper introduction to his sword.

11. Continuing with #10, don't ask Barnaby if he wants his sword back or if you can keep it. Same goes for saying it's a flesh wound. Maybe I should make a separate chapter on things not to say to Barnaby.

12. Don't tell Aristotle that he "axolotl questions". That's just rude. Be nice.

13. Don't call pushing up daisies as "partying with Barnaby!" That's just in very poor taste.

14. Don't accept any deaths other than old age. Barnaby's offers may seem enticing but aren't you curious about what will happen in ninety years? Just saying.

15. Don't ask Billie about the troll. She won't get it (and if she does, she will be annoyed with you).

16. Call Oscar by his given name. Do not call him Swiper, Miles/Tails, or anything like that. Don't even call him "Foxy". Just because he can't talk doesn't mean he doesn't deserve respect.

17. If you are on Elaine's ship, you better hope you have sea legs. Otherwise you are going to have a really bad day. Also, don't confuse your port and starboard.

18. Do not refer to Fantoccio as "firewood." He will get really angry about that. Also, don't call him a theater nerd unless you really want to be in a Shakespeare tragicomedy.

19. Singing sea shanties on Elaine's ship will get her to like you (but she won't show it).

20. Don't refer to sex as "trashing Dutch's hotel!" That's just not kosher. And gross.

21. Don't refer to showering as "Giving Barnaby an eyeful." Barnaby's the kind of ghost owl who respects your privacy. He doesn't do anything like that.

22. It's in poor taste to make "Dad left to get milk" jokes to Billie. And if Aristotle hears that, you better expect a visit to Barnaby's home in the immediate future. Same rule applies to "fatherless." Be nice.

23. I can't stress this enough: BE. NICE. If you can't say it to your teacher or boss, you can't say it to the Billie Bust Up cast.

24. Don't refer to ditching Barnaby as ghosting him. He will find out... and if he finds you, you might want to start praying that he lets you off the hook. And if you are an atheist, all I can say is "It's been nice knowing you."