Lovers in Blue

Chapter 34

I spent the rest of the day with Mike and Garrett it was nice to keep my mind off of things. I told the boys I would cook diner for them I was getting ready to start when there was a knock at the door Garrett said "I swear this time I'm not expecting anyone" I answered the door and it was Jamie I was shocked to say the least and. I slammed the door in his face.Then he knocked again I just stood there stunned and again he knocked I finally openedit again and said "what the hell are you doing here and how do you know where I'm staying?" he said " you left me a message last night and I'm tired of you avoiding having a serious conversation on the phone" I said " your right I did call you last night but I was drunk and I never should have done that and maybe I'm not ready to talk yet did that ever cross your mind" he said "listen to me I know I fucked up big time I know you may never forgive me but I miss you and I miss my son so please let me in so we can talk" I finally gave in I opened the door and he walked in I asked Mike and Garrett to take Joey for a walk or to the park so we could talk. We sat down  on the couch with a good bit of distance apart because right now I miss him so much and all I really wanted was to crawl into his arms. I spoke first and said "so how are you?" he said "pretty bad I've destroyed my marriage, I've broken the women of my dreams heart, everyone I know is mad at me for making  such a stupid choice, I haven't seen my  son in person in weeks so pretty shitty" I said " well my husband cheated on me so I ran away to Chicago with our son and trying to process all of this and it's been nearly impossible to get myself out of bed and function when all I really want is my husband back" I was fighting back tears but I was so tired of crying I thought I was finally processing but now with Jamie in front of me I'm back in that house reliving that night. I think Jamie knew I was fixing to cry he tried to move closer to me and I said "Jamie please I can't I don't know if I can do this"  he said "ok I'm sorry maybe if we don't talk you can just listen to what I have to say I know nothing i do will fix this I don't know how to fix us I know one thing it's that I love you and I miss you and if you could ever forgive me I'd spend the rest of my life showing you how much I love you and I've spent a lot of time thinking about why I did it because I know that will be the first thing you'll ask me I don't have a good answer it was a stupid thing to do I've regretted it every single moment since then." I couldn't hold back anymore I was crying and before I knew it Jamie had me wrapped up in his arms while I cried. In this moment I didn't know what to do I didnt know what I wanted I felt like a little girl crying over some silly boy but he wasn't a silly boy he was the man I fell in love with the man I promised to spend my life with but in this moment the only thing I could do was focusing on breathing because I was crying so hard I thought I might start having a panic attack. I wish more than anything that what had happened never did or that we could some how erase the memory from my brain but that's not how life works I calmed down some my head was laying on Jamie chest I raised my head and met his eyes for the first time it was seemed like years and the only in my mind then was what I had said when I left when I said we should have never gotten married. I said "Jamie I didn't mean what I said when I left I don't regret for a single moment marrying you" and that's when I saw it he looked like he hadn't slept the pain in his eyes was nearly as vast as mine he said " I know I don't either the only thing I regret is what I've done to you what I've put you through" I said " I meant what I said last night I do miss you Jamie more than anything I do" he said "I know I miss you too" we just sat there for a few minutes just looking at each other just sitting in our pain wondering where to go from here. Then I made the first move I grabbed him and kissed like we hadn't kissed in years like we may never kiss again. Then we kept kissing and at some point i got up and led us to my room I knew we shouldn't be doing this it would only make it harder but all I wanted was Jamie right now and we could deal with the consequences later. Once we were in my room with the door shut I think our clothes came off in record time this was the clearest my mind had been in weeks if relationships were only about physical acts well me and Jamie would never have any problems it's the emotions and feeling where things tend to always get messy. We had sex and didn't speak a word and well that was the easiest thing we've done in weeks. We got up after and got dressed because I was sure that mike and Garrett would be back soon. I was right we were out of my room about 3 minutes before the door opened and mike came in carrying a sleeping Joey and Garrett behind him. Jamie took him and put him down in my room I walked him to the door and I said "Jamie what happened doesn't change anything we still have a lot of talking to do" he said "I understand that what if I take you and Joey out for breakfast and we could talk and we will be in public so no chance of any distractions" then he left. I walked back into the living room where Garrett and mike waited for me both of them just looking at me I said "what" mike said "out with it what happened" I said " we talked I cried that's it"  Garrett said " oh no something else happened I know your I just had sex look I in fact have given you that look several times" I said ". Excuse me for sleeping with my husband the last I heard sleeping with your own husband is not a crime" mike said "where does that leave you guys are you back together or working it out" I said "Rome wasn't built in a day Mikey it will take more than one conversation and sex to know if our marriage is fixable"