Lovers in Blue

Chapter 35

    I barely slept why was I so nervous to go eat and talk to my husband but I was none the less I got up early before anyone else at Garrett's I showered and started the coffee. Garrett was the next to get up since he had a 24 hour shift at the hospital ahead of him he wished me luck. I got ready with every possible scenario running through my head I tried my best not to dwell on the bad things running through my head and tried to remain hopeful. Once I was ready I woke up Joey to get him ready and feed him. I probably drank a whole pot of coffee before i even left the apartment which normally doesn't affect me but between the caffeine and the anxiety i felt like I may crawl out of my skin. I caught a cab to where Jamie and I agreed to met. He was already there he looked exhausted through the window it is almost like he was someone I'd never met before I assume hadn't slept the night before and maybe not much since I had left. I came in he saw me first as I was trying to wrangle Joey and a diaper bag and my purse he came up and took Joey from me so I could kind of collect myself. He already had a high chair at the table he put Joey in it Joey was sitting up pretty good on his own but I always tuck blankets on either side of him just for safety. Jamie had coffee at the table already for me and one for him. We sat in silence for what felt like forever but it was really only a minute or two. I spoke first and said " I think I'm more nervous for this than our first date Jamie" he said " I know I don't think I slept a wink last night but that's the normal for me lately its hard being home without you because it really doesn't feel like home anymore." I said "Jamie even if I was in New York that house isn't my home anymore not after what happened" he said "you know I'd do anything to take that night back to just roll back time but that isn't possible now all I want is to try and fix us because you mean everything to me" I was trying my best to not cry yet again I said. "Jamie I don't want a divorce I still love you but I can't trust you and while your words seem genuine action always speak louder than words so if we are going to try and repair this we need to make a plan and stick to it marriages do not fix themselves" he said "ok I think you should come home" I said "Jamie I'm not coming back to New York right now I'm still processing everything" he said " then where do we start we can't fix our marriage hundreds of miles apart" I said "we can do therapy online for a while until I feel like I'm ready to come back to New York" he said "what about Joey I can't keep not seeing him he is my son too" I said "Jamie I am very aware of the fact you are Joey's father you are more than welcome to come out here and visit anytime and we are just a video call away" he said "that isn't the same and you know it" this conversation was not going the way I had hoped and I could feel myself getting angry and I could tell he was too. I said " maybe you will think of that next time you decide to cheat on your wife" he said "that isn't fair and you know it we could always go to court and let a judge sort out visitation" I said " Jamie I wish you would take me to court I love you but I do not owe you a single thing" he said " we need to take a breather we are both on the verge of saying things we will regret and we will end up hurting our marriage more than it already is" during the conversation we had eaten some but at this point I was sick to my stomach and afraid that we wouldn't be able to save our marriage after all. I took Joey and went to the bathroom to change him so I could breathe and use the bathroom. Jamie and I didn't talk much when I return to the table we both left I caught a cab back to Garrett's and talked to Mikey about what happened. Jamie text me and asked if we could meet up again that evening and try and talk again and I told him yes and I was going to see if Mikey would keep Joey. Mike said he'd keep Joey while Jamie and I went out to dinner. I spent most of the day with Mike and Joey later in the day I got ready to go see Jamie. We met at a pizza place near Garrett's place so I walked I could use the fresh air to hopefully get my thoughts in order. I arrived first this time so I went ahead and got a table and a drink Jamie arrived shortly after he came and sat down with me he also ordered a drink and he said "I'm sorry how things went this morning" I said "Jamie this is difficult situation we are in and there's no way for us to know how to navigate it so of course emotions are high but I'm sorry too" he said "I've done some thinking and while I'm still not happy about it please stay in Chicago for as long as you feel you need I don't want to pressure you into coming home" I said "thank you Jamie I hope you know I'm not trying to keep Joey from you I just need to space right now" he said "I know and I'll be out here every chance I get to see him until you come home and I think I'm going to start going to therapy on my own as well as we should start couples counseling" I said "I think that would be a good idea my therapist and Dr sent me emails of couples therapist they recommend so we can start looking into those" he said "ok that sounds like a good idea" I said " Jamie how did we get here I've been racking my brain for weeks and I can't come to a reasonable conclusion" he said " I don't know what I was thinking except I wasn't thinking even after Eddie broke off our engagement we were still close friends and it's always been easy to talk to her I invited her over that night for a drink and then it just happened I known that brings you no peace with this and for that I'm sorry" I said " look I know we were still trying to adjust to life with a baby and losing Linda and working on the house I know our life has been kind of a whirlwind always we weren't together for a long time when we got engaged, I was kidnapped twice in the early days of our relationship, and then the surprise pregnancy which I would never trade Joey for anything but I think we would be in a different boat right now if we had just waited to get married I don't regret it but we certainly should have waited" he said " Tyra I love you more than anything but I don't disagree the more I think about it you are probably right we should have just waited a while on the whole wedding thing but there isn't anything we can do to change it now besides try and save our marriage"  I said " Jamie I love you too and I want to save our marriage more than anything but it's going to take hard work Jamie" he said "I know and I'm willing to do what ever it takes to fix what I broke" I said "Jamie I need to ask you something is Eddie still working with you?" He said "No she isn't she transferred out of state I have no idea where and I don't care either" I said "that makes me feel some better that your not still seeing her every work day" we continued talking much more productively than that morning and ate dinner after dinner he came back to the apartment to see Joey and look at the list of therapist I had.