Sober to death

Chapter 2

"Are you still sure you just slipped?"
"Really Minho? You want to have that conversation at 3 a.m. when most of the other members are asleep?"

"When are we going to have that damn conversation then Hyunjin, when you die?"

"Preferably. "

"This is not a joke, wake the fuck up. You almost died."

"And I told you-"

"It has nothing to do with what you say, it's all about what is really happening. It's about what I see, it's about your scars-"

"I told you-"

"Again, Hyun, it has nothing to do with what you say."

"Goodnight Minho."

.

It was night again. A few and many years later at the same time.
A few years later after the few people that were aware had once again started to behave normally again, because something tragic thankfully and not grabbed the attention off of him.

He was sitting on the the couch.
The TV was still on, even though he wasn't paying any attention.

His eyes were glued on the screen and if anyone had been watching him they would have mistaken that he was a big fan of whatever was playing. Yet, in this moment the only thing that he could pay attention to was that he existed.

It had just turned dark outside when his tears finally started to run and they were unstoppable.
He was in a fetal potision and that had somehow allowed him to feel and then tears fell and fell.
His hands, quick to move, tried so desperately to wipe them away in a hurry.

No, he was fine. He shouldn't cry. He couldn't cry. Why was he even doing that? Nobody could see him crumble and cry. Nobody should witness how weak he actually was.

But for now he let himself break. He allowed himself to cry and cry and mourn and grief.

You see, his dark doe eyes had witnessed such a horrible scene.

Why couldn't he move on? Why was he stuck back into that bathroom, filled with the blood of his best friend and water and with that terrible smell he wished to never have to live through that again? Why did he think it was going to be easy?
Why was he so annoyed with his existence... again?

.

"So tell me Jisung, how do you really feel?"

"Watched. "

"As in... everything you do is being monitored?"

"Something like that."

"What else?"

"Pressured."

"What does being pressured feel for you?"

"It means fucking pressured. Everybody's asking me how I feel, if I need anything, how I'm doing, if I'm okay, if I'm tired, if I need a break."

"And how does this make you feel?"

"Annoyed."

"Mhm... can you explain that to me?"

"No."

"Okay, take your time. Tell me, have you spoken with the person that found you?"

"Yes, if you don't mind the continuous questions of my wellbeing, we are still best friends."

"So, you had a close bond with eachother before everything. "

"Yes, I told you we still have, we are best friends."

"Jisung, has that person received any mental support?"

"Are you fucking kidding me? I didn't come here so you would worry for him. This has nothing to do with him. This is about me and only me."

"Jisung, if that is really about you, you should start using my advice."

"What?"

"In our last session I told you to not invalidate the feelings of others, something you've clearly done with your best friend."

"Look, it's not my fault he acts as if everytime he's entering the bathroom he's going to see me dead. "

"But it is Jisung and if you don't finally realise that not everything can be solved by running away because of your anxiety and fears we cannot move on. You can have a full recovery, you can find yourself again and I want to help you but please in order for you to heal you must stop invalidating yourself and the people that love you, especially when you don't know and understand the emotions and thoughts they may be dealing with. In order to heal you must stop being scared of your emotions and allow yourself to feel, it's the only way you'll stop feeling suicidal."

...

"Hey, Sung? How are you feeling? Do you need-"

"Hyunjin, can you just stop? I'm tired of everyone and especially you. Okay, you found me in the bathtub dead, big news. Can you stop trying to make this about you?"

"I am not- that's only about you- I didn't-"

"Ugh, whatever. Just stop trying to gain attention by playing the innocent, traumatized, fragile boy. You know nothing about suicidal thoughts and how it feels to want to die okay? Stop. Just stop and let me just this once make this about myself."

"I'm sorry Sung. I didn't mean to make you feel that way. I promise to try and behave in a manner you'd be more comfortable with. Please, confront me again if you feel annoyed."

And that so thoughtful and respectful answer, that so Hyunjin like answer made Jisung even angrier... maybe towards himself.

"Sometimes I wish you were gone... God. I'm gonna walk home."

"Hey, no. It's okay, you can talk to me, besides I came to pick you up and get us to the cinema-"

"I don't care go there alone."