Sober to death

Chapter 22

Chan.
He was hurt, deeply.

It felt as if there was no hope.
No hope for good luck.
Luck, he never had it so why now? How could the death of a dear person to him be a point of turn for his luck?

He was scared. He was scared for Hyunjin and from himself.
He didn't want Hyunjin to see him. He was ashamed of the way he behaved.
That didn't mean he wasn't visiting his room every night.

He would stay in his room till there was no sound coming from outside his door. Then he would head towards Hyunjin's and slowly open up his door.
He would get inside and under the covers of his bed and hold him dearly as if he was a bird that could fly away at any given moment. After a while he would get up kiss him goodbye, check for his breathing, tuck him in and leave as if he was never there.

"Why'd you always leave?"

"I thought you were asleep."

"I'm never asleep."

"Why?"

"Nighmares..."

"Do you want to go for ice cream?"

"I don't know if I can get up anymore."

"Why?"

"You love that question don't you? Besides starving myself for days, I... my body feels heavier than ever I..."

"It's okay... I get it."

"Can I tell you a secret?"

"You can always share anything with me."

"I still see him."

"Who?"

"Minho."

"What do you mean?"

"I don't think he died. I mean... look, he's standing right in front of my bed."

"W-what does he look like?"

"It depends. Right now he's silent and he's got a soft smile but sometimes... hyung... there is no face it is just like the night he- he's not dead. He gets angry but he's here. If I see him he's alive right?"

"..."

"Right hyung? I'm not crazy, am I? No, no, no, no, I am not. Right Min?"

Chan never thought after hitting rock bottom there would be one last fall and that felt like that.

"No, no you're not. Yes... I see him too."

It was a lie. He wasn't seeing anyone but he had to protect his love and in order to do that he had to hide the truth and play along with Hyunjin's mind games. Maybe he was crazy maybe not... Chan would never leave him behind no matter what.
Unless, they fall behind together and never reach back.

That was the time Chan wished they had fallen off that eventful bridge.

"I know what you're thinking hyung... it's always that bridge. Maybe we could fall alone or together... not now but sometime in the future when there will not be one. Then maybe we could fall and take down Minho too."

"Maybe Hyun... maybe we could go when things get better before they get bad again or maybe we could just let life happen and fall when death pushes us down."

"Hey, hyung... do you want a smoke?"

Minho would say no. Hyunjin knew.
But this was Chan.
Chan would always say yes.