Sober to death

Chapter 21

A few days passed.
The swelling stopped.
The bleeding stopped.

He was still in high risk but the doctors decided to let him go home as long as he went in for a check up every other week. And he was okay with that, as long as he would get to be in his room, alone, ready to have a conversation with Minho who he dearly missed.

"Min-min, Chan didn't even visit me."

"Maybe it is because he saw you for who you really are babe."

"What do you mean?"

"A murderer, an emotional cheating whore, a selfish self-centered man, who's never been a man really."

"Oh, I hate my mind for creating that kind of image of you. I know you would never say stuff like that but why do I hear you saying them?"

"You killed me Hyun."

"No!"

The door suddenly opened and Changbin bursted inside.

"I heard you scream, are you okay?
Are you hurt? What happened?"

"Ah, I am sorry I just... cockroach."

"Where?!"

"I killed it!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

"Come on, dinners ready. Do you want me to help you get downstairs?"

"Is Chan-"

"No Hyun..."

"Oh... it's okay, that's fine. Um- I'll be there in a while I'm just not hungry yet."

"Please don't starve yourself, you need food, fuel to heal, you are still really sick."

"Don't worry Bin, I got this."

"Okay, if you do decide to come downstairs I would prefer it if you called me before you attempt to go down on your own... I'm worried you might fall, you're still weak."

"Okay, I will. Don't worry."

Sadness gripped on his soul.
Still being out of it he didn't have a chance to mourn properly.
He couldn't believe that 17 days ago Minho died in front of his eyes.

Odd, he always felt like seventeen was his favourite number but it seemed this had changed.

He might have met Minho when he was 17 but he also died on a Tuesday the 17th of November.
His time of death was 03.17 am ofthat day.

Everything that made him love that number made him hate it now even more.

His first cuts were done when he was 17.
He was born on the 17th of some random month. (Author:just go with it)

17 days after they had died because that day he died too.

Being alive, being a survivor came with guilt, regret, blame. A lot of that.

Hyunjin felt everything all at once while colors seemed of and blended into weird shades, while voices felt muffled and the headaches caused by his head injury were unbearable.

If he was asked before any of that he would have actually chosen death over and over again.

He had always counted on Minho, Jisung and Chan.
Now Minho was dead. Jisung was as wounded as a little scared puppy run by a car.
Chan... he didn't know, all he was aware of was that he chose to leave him behind too and just like that his fears came true.

That was the moment he also chose to rot.

.

"Bin, where is he?"

"He said he wasn't hungry."

"But-"

"Let him be, none of us is hungry right now either way-"

"Is that... Minho's bread?"

"Oh... um- I don't know I found it in the freezer-"

"Why'd you defrost it!?"

"Ji, I'm sorry- I didn't-"

"Why'd you do that to me Felix? That's the only thing I have left from him forever! Why'd you defrost it?! It's supposed to be frozen forever, an evidence he once existed! Why!?"

Changbin immediately hugged him from behind letting him sob on his shoulder.

"Shhh... Ji, I know, it hurts, let it all out... shhh. Look! Seungmin has already put it into the freezer in Minho's favorite wrap okay?"

"Y-yeah... I'm sorry Lix, I- I don't know why I am like this... I- I miss him... I still think I'll turn around and I'll be hugged by him or that he's going to cook for me my favorite food just like he used to and... God, how am I supposed to keep going? What am I supposed to do now? Who am I? What am I? What do I want?"

"Shhh, we'll find our purpose again and we'll continue on, with him too, just in our memories and heart and we'll spread awareness. We can actually help people avoid car accidents or for the process of the legal action to be faster and more strict. We have so many ways to help by just spreading his story and his name."

"You are right but... how do we live through now?"